King Harkinian

This article is filed under Characters.

King Harkinian, better known as simply The King, is the noble ruler of the land of Hyrule. He loves talking about his boi, which has been proven to be Link. He also constantly wonders what's for dinner, and likes to aid his far-away friend, Duke Onkled. However, the duke gave the king over to the forces of Ganon, but when the king was rescued by Zelda, he made Duke Onkled scrub all the floors in Hyrule for his mercy. His Castle was destroyed thanks to Zeus But the King killed Zeus by throwing dinner into his mouth.

Cultural Heritage: Sweden

Early Life

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The King's Parents

Very little is known about The King's early life, although it has been speculated that his father may have been Santa Claus. It is known that he was born sometime in 1945. It also has been speculated that, when Harkinian was four (4) years old, he was known as Caillou, the retarded cancer patient.

Areas of Expertise

• The King has extensive knowledge of what true warriors strive for, whether it be peace, dinner, or certain bodily fluids (Cum).
• The King has mastered many psychic-based powers, and can teleport from outdoors to indoors in an instant. Rumor has it the idea for the movie "The Jumper" was based off of this skill.
• The King also has a Wii, but has not released his friend code to the Hyrulian public. He is currently one of the worst Wario Ware players, and sucks at Mario Party 8 and Mario Kart Wii.
• He rocks at Guitar Hero. Zelda dislikes this and will throw rocks at the King if he is caught playing it.
• He has his own brand of cereal, called Munf Munf. The cereal is so good that eating an entire box of it will make your head explode. The King likes to advertise his Munf Munf, but Gay Luigi keeps interrupting him. M. Bison thinks Munf Munf is DELICIOUS, and Glutko thinks it tastes like diarrhea, which is DELICIOUS to him.
• Expert at using a webcam, and tortures people who give him one star ratings on Youtube.
• It is rumored that he trained Xuchilbara in the ways of the Poop, but failed horribly.
• Vorhias managed to steal his dinner once. He barely made it out with his life.
• It is heavily suspected The King is a hard drinker. He usually drinks when talking about his "boy", and even laughs like a drunk frequently, possibly even flirting with Zelda. This may be due to his bottomless goblet which he holds most of the time.
• The King is one of two people who have mastered the lightsaber in Hyrule. The other person is Link.
• The King can utilize different kinds of beam attacks, mostly coming from his mouth. It is thought that everyone else got the Lazer shooting abilities from him. His signature attack is "Dinner Attack", where he turns inverted, gets red eyes, has his face replaced with dinner, and fires a massive beam.
• He also owns a spaceship. It looks very similar to the spaceship in Metroid.
• Knows some of the best places to eat dinner. His all time favorite restaurant was Morshu's Dinner Palace, eating there for dinner every day from the opening in 1967 to the closing in 1985. He stopped eating there when Rick bought the place and constantly Rick Rolled The King everytime he tried to eat.
• Before he became the King of Hyrule, he once wrote a book about his expertise in life called "Mein Junge." He also wrote about his beliefs such as having peace becoming what all true warriors strive for.
• He once walked to Gamelon after Ganon seized his ship. It is unclear how he got there. He either has the ability to walk on water or breath underwater.
• During his time in the pit, he gained the power of regeneration, which explains why he took it so well when he got his dick caught in the door.
• Consider's Jon Hamm as a true warrior.

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Seasons Greetings from the king.

Drug Abuse

Sometime before his death he was a weed smoker. He and Sonic were on good terms and would normally always smoke weed together. Due to his drug addictions every time he tried to say "we" he mistakenly says "weed" due to either force of habit or a terrible voice actor hired by Philips. He appeared in a banned episode of Sonic Sez as a special guest to say the word weed.

Death

News of his death has not been released to the public yet, but it is a plausable fact. There are rumors going around that the king got so drunk, he succumbed to alcohol poisoning shortly after his merry laugh with Zelda. He then died, and was replaced by another, less alchohol-addicted king. The current king has yet to have been questioned on whether or not he is the original king, but it is very likely that he isn't. The original King may or may not be released from the pit, however, Gregg the Grim Reaper is getting pissed at the King's death happening so frequently. He died during a battle with Little Critter after he sacrificed himself to avenge his dad's death.

James tried to give the King AIDS once. He, of course, failed.

Possessions

• The Triforce of Courage
• Lotsa Dinner
• A lightsaber
• A Dinner Blaster, which fires cheeseburgers.
• A bottomless wine goblet
• The wierd headband he wears instead of a crown
• A necklace that he only wears when he's laughing and drinking wine at the same time.
• A ship. Possibly a yacht or a pirate shit ship.
• A Wii
• The only photo of his parents.
• A 1920's Austin convertible.
• A Toyota Hybrid
• A 1958 Edsel Citation
• An early '50s Studebaker
• A 1941 Plymouth
• A 1980's hatchback, which he drove to Squadallah Burger and Duke Onkled's Diner
• A 1975 AMC Pacer, which he drove to Morshu's Dinner Palace (stolen and totalled by Bowser Jr in 1986).
• An SUV called "Heep"
• A 1988 VW Golf that can transform into a taxi, which he insists is a Toyota even though he just replaced the VW's emblem
• A pet Platypus (PERRY THE PLATYPUS!?)
• A Webcam
• Munf Munf
• A collection of sponges for which he constantly gives to Duke Onkled to scrub the floors in Hyrule.
• Several cellphones. (One of which he uses to call Jay Sherman to talk about dinner, peace and his Wii).
• Ice cream for Dinner.
• Mad Men Season 1 and 2 DVD's

Likes

The King, Link, Gwonam, and Zelda when they finally have their acclaimed dinner.

• Dinner
• Link
• Arguing with Zelda
• Torturing Duke Onkled
• Being Kidnapped by Ganon
• Saying "My Boy"
• His pet platypus.
• Telling people to scrub stuff.
• Mudkips
• Laughing
• Saying The Number 4
• Taking constant trips to Gamelon.
• Singing "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence with others like Link helping out.

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• KFC
• His Ship
• Gordon
• The number 4
• Playing His Wii.
• Using The Triforce Of Courage
• Cheeseburgers
• Reeses Pieces
• Dominos Pizza
• Ham
• SEEEH-GAHHH
• Virtual Boy
• THE FAR-LEFT LOONS
• My Neighbor Totoro
• His Mormon Faith (yes ladies, he's polygamous!)
• Summoning Bob the Builder to do his dirty work
• Duke Onkled's Diner
• Morshu's Dinner Palace
• Guitar Hero
• Vintage Cars
  • Edsels
  • Packards
  • Studebakers
  • The Ford Model T
  • The Chevrolet Bel-Air
  • Plymouths
• Porco Rosso
• Ice Cream
• Dancing to Scatman John
• Mad Men (The TV series)
• Cars (The Movie)
• Hades (Only because he is enemies with Zeus)
• Fishing

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ENOUGH

Dinner

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The King attempting to rap about his boi.

Dislikes

• Not Having Dinner
• Ganon
• Zelda
• Snacks
• Chips
• Froggo
• Jimmy & Timmy
• Zeus (For stealing his MAH BOI line)
• The (fake) King from the Zelda cartoon (see Zeus)
• Big Cheese (see Zeus)
• People who steal the "Mah Boi" line.
• Being questioned (Especially for his reasons of travel to Gamelon)
• His other pet fluffy
• Plymouth Voyagers, Yugos, Chevrolet Chevette's and Hyundai Sonatas (He sends them to the pit because he only likes vintage cars)
• Willy Wonka (he is causing children to not eat their dinner).
• Squadala Burger
• Gwonam's Pizzeria
• Scoopa Koopa's Fast Food (Was confused with the name thinking the place sold ice cream along with the fact the food turned you into a bird)
• Rick's Roll's (Rick Astley's short lived restaurant that replaced Morshu's Dinner Palace)
• Rock Band
• Toasters (He epsecially hates The Brave Little Toaster)
• Rosebud Frozen Peas
• Blotto Bros. Wine
• I. Fleecem (The King has owed him money for oil, rope, dinner and a ship since 1947).
• Being Rick Rolled.
• Dust for dinner
• Republican Teabaggers!
• His clones (He's the true King of course!)
• Paul Revere and the Raiders

Quotes

• MAH BOI!
• Four!
• I wonder what's for dinner?
• AIDS!
• Then FUCK YOU Mr. Cable Box.
• Then get a job.
• YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• You're finally becoming a man, boy.
• After you scrub all the floors in hyrule, then we can talk about mercy! Take him away!
• HMMMM...how can Wii help?
• This peace is what all true warriors strive FOR!
• Zelda, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon. I'm going to Gamelon to aid him.
• Did somebody say "dinner"?
• Dinner Attack!
• This dick is what all true warriors rub in the morning.
• After you rub your Wii-Wii, then we can scrub cum off the floors.
• What?
• If you don't hear from me in a month, send Link.
• ENOUGH!
• You saved me!
• My ship sails in the morning.
• I'll be in my quarters. If you hear any fits of rage, think of it as the wind.
• Zelda, I'm under attack by the evil forces of Ganon.
• Zelda, go to hell!
• Ganon, what's for dinner?
• Don't talk shit, what's for my fucking dinner?
• I'm for dinner?
• Holy Shit!
• Don't eat me for dinner! I taste like shit!
• Duke Onkled tastes like shit too!
• Ganon, rub Duke Onkled's dick, then eat it.
• I saved a piece of Dunk Onkled's dick for dinner!
• I'm going to escape.
• I saved myself!!
• I'm going to have ICE CREAM for dinner!
• I'm going to war!
• ENOUGH!!! I can't turn my back for 4 minutes without you sons of bitches dicking around!
• Enough! I rule this place! Do what I say and SHUT THE HELL UP!
• WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
• WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Who the hell do you think you're talking to?
• You peices of dick-shit, I'm going to circumsize you all!!
• ...I.M. Meen!!
• (Laughs) I'm the king of CD-i. I say what I want. I Rule Hyrule. You all do what I say!
• WHA?! What the hell?!
• WHA?!
• You want a piece of me, DOS shit?!
• What the fuck?!
• Zelda, I'm always talking about dinner.
• HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, I'm going fishing.
• Yes!
• Link, I ate fish for dinner.
• Talk to me, boy!
• Talk to me about my dinner!
• I don't know what to say!!
• Zelda, I'm going to Duke Onkled's for dinner.
• HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM, I'm going to walk.
• What's for dinner?
• Fuck this shit, take him away!!