Masturbation

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Now some people have no respect for their private matters, I tell ya what.

Masturbation is the act of playing with one's sexual organs until it reaches an orgasm. For men, a fleshlight can be used, but, it only requires one's hand (most of the time) and one's penis. For women, a dildo is used to masturbate, or one can use their fingers. Masturbation strictly excludes any partners, otherwise it becomes sex. However, one can make others masturbate, but that would probably be called molestation. There have been a few rumours that if one masturbates too much, they will get hairy palms or go blind. Then again, these people are probably saying this for propaganda's sake. One who masturbates is a wanker.

Do not confuse it with mastication.

Places/Situations In Which One Would Masturbate

• At Home...
  • In one's home bathroom.
  • In one's own bedroom.
  • While on the computer, watching porn.
  • Whenever playing Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball.
• At the drive-in.
• In the old man's Ford.
• Behind the bushes.
• In one's basement.
• While driving, if one is good at multitasking.
• In Pennsylvania
• Definitely not in public, I'll tell you what. Infact, if one ever does that, even in the dark, they will be just like Paul Reubens.

People Who Love To Masturbate

• Scratch (As seen in the video on this page.)
• Grounder
• Robotnik (Especially on the "DO NOT MASTURBATE" video.)
• Sonic the Hedgehog
• Tails
• Brock
• Birdo
• Mario
• Chowder
• Feghoot (Three times per day, in fact.)
• Amy Rose
• Most of those who watch any and all porn.
• Zoophiliacs, since real sex with animals is illegal.
• Otakus by both Japanese and American definition.
• Bald Bull (Especially when he's in the tub.)
• Walruses
• Soundwave
• Dracula
• Homer Simpson
• Jenny Wakeman
• Austin Powers
• Donald Duck
• That lady in Baseball Stars 2 (As seen in the gallery.).
• Edd
• Gwonam
• George Volcano
• Kagura
• That one fat sumo wrestler that I can't remember.
• Mama Luigi ((S)he especially loves making Yoshi masturbate before bedtime.)
• Optimus Prime (He's got The Touch!)
• Mario Head
• Patrick Stewart (He thinks it's fantastic, going as far as to call his addiction "Masturbation sensation".)
• Chris-Chan
• Harry Slime
• The makers of the Power Glove, if the Angry Video Game Nerd is to be believed.
• Machoke
• Mr. Soft (Mailboxes love it)
• Pennsylvanians
• And everybody in this category.
• Squidward (Using his own clarinet)

People Who Get Masturbated On

• Dr. Robotnik (By Sonic the Hedgehog, Scratch and almost everyone else.)
• Mung Daal (By Chowder.)
• Tails (By Sonic the Hedgehog.)
• Mickey Mouse (By Donald Duck.)
• Tomo (By Kagura. died in the process)
• Doc Louis (By King Hippo & Aran Ryan.) {For King Hippo, the Doc ended up being a God-like entity and blew the king's head off. As for Aran Ryan, well Aran just ended up becoming more powerful than before.}
• Jenny Wakeman (Either by his human boyfriend Brad, or the Silver Shell, his robot boyfriend.)
• King Harkinian (By Gwonam.)
• Ed (By Edd.)
• Eddy (By Edd.)
• Tyrannosaurus Alan (By George Volcano.)
• Lemmy (By Mario.)

Trivia

• Also commonly known as "fapping", "jacking off", "choking the chicken", "spanking the monkey", and a number of other things.
  • Some fans of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic actually call it "clopping".
• Though most need a hand to masturbate, few have managed to masturbate without hands.
• Mario Head can strangely masturbate even though he has no penis.
• Robotnik gets masturbated on more than anyone else for some reason.
• Sam Witwicky doesn't masturbate. This is despite the fact that he has several issues of Busty Beauties under his bed, and that his girlfriend is Megan Fox.
• Not to be confused with a master debater.
• An alternate name for Youtube Poopers, coined by Michael Rosen is "Pennsylvania Masturbators".
• Some people enjoy masturbating into strange places. Examples include tissues, hair, and socks. With the last one, ensure you are only using it to catch the semen. Otherwise, who really wants to say that they fucked a sock?
• Can apparently reduce the risk of Prostate Cancer.
• If the Sheriff tells you to keep your hands on the car until one of his associates arrives, don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on his highway. You can think about, but don't do it.
• Apparently, the magic number of times doing it in a row for one day would be 42 times, because if you try exceeding that number, you will die! Seriously.

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  Whoa there, lady! Not in front of a crowd!

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  Optimus Prime playing with himself.