Heavy Weapons Guy

This article is filed under Characters.

Heavy Weapons Guy, or Heavy for short, is a fat, bald, bastard maniacal Slavic man. He usually gets pissed when somebody touches his gun/lover/masturbatory aid, Sasha. He has yet to meet someone who can outsmart a bullet and enjoys massacring thousands of people. In and out of battles he pays hookers to let him beat them up.

Not to be confused with heavy weapons dude.

Arsenal

Sandviches are especially important to Heavy. Maybe even more so than Sasha...

Basic

• Sasha: His trademark Minigun he once used to keep thousands from getting over the Berlin Wall. Approach with caution.
• Shotgun: His other gun. Used on weekends for hunting quail with the Medic. Used on weekdays for hunting leetle babeh men.
• Fists: Used for punching the tiny faces of his foes in. The latest Cyborg technology has given him the ability to fire lethal bullets from his fingers.

Update

• Natascha: Though not as powerful as Sasha, it slows down his opponents, which could make them easier kills. Replaces Sasha.
• Sandvich: The delicious deli product with a Slavic accent! Used for healing himself and general dickery in matches. Replaces the Shotgun.
• Killing Gloves of Boxing (KGB): Not to be mistaken for the Soviet Secret Service's initials, these gloves give the Heavy's Fists an extra "kick".

Community

• Dalokohs Bar: A chocolate bar that increases the Heavy's max health...I'll just stick with the Sandvich. Also strangely, he still calls the Dalokohs Bar a Sandvich despite the obvious differences.

Relationships

Heavy is in mad love with his weapons, especially Sasha, though he occasionally cheats on her by switching to Natascha for dealing with those pesky Scouts. He is best buddies of the Medic, though many believe their friendship goes beyond that. His worst enemy is the Scout who always tries to steal his sandwiches for himself, the pig!

Also, he recently became best Soviet friends with Zangief and Soda Popinski.

Quotes

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Heavy "I am Heavy Weapons Guy...and this...is my weapon."

Heavy "Oh my god, who touched Sasha? Alright... WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?"

Heavy "Some people think they can outsmart me... maybe... *sniff* maybe.... I have yet to meet one that can outsmart BULLET."

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WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!

Heavy "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! CRY SOME MORE!!!"

Heavy "MEDIC"!!!

Heavy "It costs 400,000 dollars to fire this weapon...for 12 seconds."

Heavy "MEDIIIIC!!!!!!"

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The Heavy Weapons Guy laughs at the Scout's pitiful attempt at advertising.

Heavy DOCTAR

Heavy "I LOVE THIS DOCTAR!"

Heavy "I live!"

Heavy "Run cowards!

Heavy "OM! NOM! NOM! OM! NOM!"

Heavy "YATATATATATATATATATDODODODUDUDADADADA!!!! KABOOM! KABOOM"!

Heavy "I HEAR SOMEONE BUILDING DIAPER CHANGING STATION!"

{{#ev:youtube|eya3BAt2x-Y|320}}

Heavy "WHAT WAS THAT SANDVICH? KILL THEM ALL? GOOD IDEA! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

Heavy "Scout is delicious!"

Heavy "SCOUT, I'm Really Happy For You, And I'mma Let You Finish, But MEDIC Has One Of The Best VIDEOOOOOOOOOs Of All Time!"

Heavy "I AM JETPACK!! BZZZZ!!!!

Heavy "GUN!!!!!!"

Heavy "Heh... cry some more."

Heavy "Scout is money!"

Heavy "HOHHOHOHOHAW, That's big surprise!"

Heavy "I am credit card! CHARGE ME!"

Heavy "Waaaaaaahhh!"

Trivia

• He has the same voice actor as the Demoman.
• It is rumoured that he may be having an affair with Natascha.
• It is also rumored that he may be in a relationship with the Soldier.
• It is confirmed that he has a grandson, which is the main character of Quake 2.
• Robbed a McDonalds once for their McGriddles.
• Sasha was also raped by the Scout when he took her out for a steak dinner.
• Has a Medic fetish.
  Error creating thumbnail: File missing

  Heavy Weapons Guy laughing at the clowns in a circus.
• Has yet to meet one who can outsmart bullshit.
• Was once killed by Gordon Freeman.
• Works part-time at a deli to help pay the rent/steal sandwiches.

• Whenever he becomes pissed off about someone saying something negative about Sandvich (Mostly Scout), he has a magic (hacking) ability to make a few Sandviches turn into a Sandvich Gun!!! It allows him to fire random Sandviches from his Sandvich Gun, and when he's satisfied, he actually eats his Sandvich Gun!
• His bullets are smarter than him.
• He is one of the few people to obtain a Promotion.
• Is interested in American culture, which is why he owns an American Football helmet, and occasionally wears a duck's arse haircut along with some Elvis-esque sunglasses.
• Once served in the Red Army, which is where he obtained his ushanka.
• Being punched by his fists is similar to being hit by the following: an Axe, a Shovel, a Bottle (broken or not), A Bonesaw, a Wrench, a Kukri, and a Falcon Punch.
• It is believed that Heavy actually scared someone with the sandvich by putting an evil grin on it.
• Was once shocked to see the Scout become a Boo, who proceeded to chase him afterwards.
• Despite his lack of intelligence, he has limited reality-warping powers. By simply saying something such as "Character is item", whatever he said will come true. All we have to do is hope he doesn't say, "Heavy is naked!"
• One time, he ended up being a guinea pig like Soda Popinski for Russian scientists. However, unlike Soda Popinski, he was given special strength increasing sandviches, which not only gave him super strength, but also made him radiate in a purple color.
  • Also, he once fought Little Mac due to the fact that he was pretending to be Soda Popinski. He surprisingly ended up winning that fight.
• One time, he ruined Scout's acceptance speech for whatever the thing it was that he won just to say that the Medic has one of the best videos of all time. The incident can be seen near the top of the end of the quotes part of this article.
  • However, I will say that the Demoman called him a bloody jackass afterwards.
• He was once hypnotized by Pickle Surprise to say "ham".

See Also

• Team Fortress 2
• Sandvich
• Soda Popinski
• Zangief

Links

• First Heavy Weapons Guy poop ever.
• Heavy Weapons Guy and his trademark laugh.