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From Chewiki Archive - YouChew: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
CharNice.jpg This article is filed under Characters.
A picture of the Medic.
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Error creating thumbnail: File missing
Here we see the Medic seducing the Heavy to have sexual intercourse with him.



The medic is the man who you spam the E button with that never shows up to heal you. One of the 9 classes from the first person shooter PC game, Team Fortress 2, he originates from the country of (West) Germany, specifically in the town of Stuttgart. Some weapons used by the doc is the Medigun (healing dying morons), a gun that shoots syringes, and the bone saw that will SAW THROUGH YOUR BONES.

Though the Medic was originally enlisted in the Peace Corps. for deployment somewhere in Africa, due to a technicality he found himself deployed with the RED team on cp_well in the middle of a huge battle, and has been trying to get himself out of it. However, after befriending the Heavy Weapons Guy, he decided to stay with them.



  • Syringe Gun: Fires syringes full of some deadly compound, likely cyanide or arsenic.
  • Medigun: A wondrous portable device that allows him to heal his allies (and Spies), even up to 150% their normal health. Healing allies builds up the medic's "Ubercharge". When fully charged, it can be activated to make the Medic and the ally temporarily invincible, allowing the team opportunity to advance through enemy lines. How this wonderful healing technology works is still in question, but the better question is why these aren't being mass-produced for hospitals?
  • Bonesaw: The perfect tool for amputation and replacing a violin.


  • Blutsauger: Replaces the Syringe Gun, when the needles hit the opponent, it somehow heals the Medic. Recommended for the more aggressive "Battle-Medic".
  • KritzKrieg: Replacing the Medigun, it heals the same way the Medigun would, though when charged instead of invulnerability it gives the healed ally critical hits throughout the charge. Oh, I get it! Kritz, Crits...yeah.
  • Ubersaw: The perfect tool for amputation and giving 25% Ubercharge for every cut he makes and replacing the Bonesaw.
  • Quick-Fix: Replaces the Medigun and is in fact a prototype of it. Although it does not provide invincibility, it does heal at three times the normal rate and any movement-impairing effects are nullified on Ubercharge. It also has the inexplicable power of making the Medic run as fast as his heal target...wait...Scout and Medic...Oh crap.
  • Solemn Vow: Replaces the Bonesaw. This bust of Hippocrates contains the mysterious ability to show the Medic the health of his enemies. If that's too good for you, let me tell you that you need EIGHT Jarates and some metal to make this (and don't tell me how that works either!). It says "Do No Harm" on it as well. Oh the irony!
  • Overdose: Replaces the Syringe Gun and is in fact a prototype of it. This model is linked to the medical pack giving movement speed increase based on the amount of Ubercharge you have...up to 10% maximum.
  • Conscientious Objector: Replaces the Bonesaw. You are now a conscientious objector to being DEAD, thanks to this protest sign with which you can put on ANY IMAGE and I mean ANY IMAGE (Provided you have the tool)!
  • Necro Smasher: Replaces the Bat. A miniature replica of the hammer used in the World's Largest Strongman Machine. Not only the classic tool for testing your strength, but also a great blood-splattering, bone-breaking bludgeon!


  • Vita-Saw: Replaces the Bonesaw. This needle-like saw retains 20% of a Medic's ubercharge when he's killed. Surprise headshots or backstabs before unleashing an ubercharge won't be so humiliating now.
  • Crusader's Crossbow: Replaces the Syringe Gun. Now long distance healing is possible, as the syringes heal teammates and are more lethal to enemies at great distances. There's few syringes though so use sparingly.
  • Amputator: Replaces the Bonesaw. A taunt magically heals your teammates, but keep the room clear of enemies to avoid dying mid-taunt. Now also provides regenerating health (while out) at the cost of taking extra damage.
  • Bat Outta Hell: Replaces the Bonesaw. This gruesome skull on a spine gives new meaning to the word "headbanging" as you whack your enemies with it! In fact, you can make this weapon by tearing out your own skull and spine...actually, don't.
  • Vaccinator: Replaces the Medigun. Designed for tactical Medics, the Vaccinator offers him and his heal target resistance against a selected type of damage (bullet, explosive, fire). Need to handle that incoming Heavy? There's a resistance for that. Angry Pyro inbound? There's a resistance for that. The Ubercharge bar is also sliced into four two-second separate Ubercharges, which increase resistance. Adapt your Ubercharges by changing the resistance for each one to the enemy accordingly! Even cover your own escape with it! Give grenades and stickies the middle finger as you flee to safety! Quickly though. Ubercharge is lost depending on how much damage is done.


  • Frying Pan: Replaces the Bonesaw and goes CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG. That about sums up this weapon.
  • Freedom Staff: Replaces the Bonesaw. It's a staff with a golden eagle on top. Originally used by Kofi Annan to beat many a great dictator's head in, it has since been stolen and is for some reason now in the TF2 team's arsenal.
  • Ham Shank: Replaces the Bonesaw. Don't run! It's just ham! No! It really is! Who knew that such a mass of meat could be a useful bludgeon?


  • Saxxy: Replaces the Bonesaw. Only a select few received this coveted statuette of good old Saxton said to have been carved by King Midas/Sauron specially for the Saxxy Awards replay contest. Now MORE people are turning their enemies into gold and holding bragging rights!
  • Memory Maker: Replaces the Bonesaw. Given only to those who made the finals of the Second Saxxy Awards, this camera makes the ideal dual-purpose video capture device: For bludgeoning people with it and recording a video of you bludgeoning people with it!

Special Note: When the Medic wields the Crusader's Crossbow and the Amputator, the Medic regenerates health in seconds.

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Stephen Colbert dreams of the day he can become medic.


  • "Sie Teleporter goes here!"
  • "Prepare for your examination!"
  • "Sie Spy ist a Double Agent!"
  • "You Are... SCHTUPID!!"
  • "Oops! Das vas not medicine!"
  • "Danke, dumköpfe."
  • "Sie healing ist not as rewarding as sie hurting!"
  • "You are trying my patience!"
  • "Vunderbach!"
  • "Vould you like a second opinion? You are also UGLY!"
  • "Jawohl."
  • "Welcome to the "we lose once again" fest..."
  • "Zis is UNACCEPTABLE!"
  • "'Ello, fräuleins!"
  • "Don't be such a baby. Ribs grow back... *whispering*No, zey don't..."


{{#ev:youtube|mAEmnNvabm0|320}}Medic shows his incredible dancing skills.
  • Once acted in a German porno involving two puppies.
  • He LOVES the first day of each month of the year. He also loves YTPMVs about him saying it loudly.
  • He has found the cure to the common cold.
  • He's got mad dancing skillz, as seen in the video to the right.
  • Is madly in love with the Heavy Weapons Guy.
  • Despite this, he apparently has a wife, according to the Demoman. However, this can be ignored because the Demoman is always drunk, and thus is an unsuitable source of information.
  • Once had gay sex with the Spy. The Medic only did it as he thought the Spy was Heavy, until after the incident had occurred. When questioned all the Medic had to say was "The Heavy is a Spy!"
  • He likes to thank hard hatted friends for their good work.
  • During World War II, the Medic served in the Heer of the Wehrmacht on the eastern front as a, well, medic.
  • He was voted homecoming King in High School and his Queen was Zelda.
  • Has the same voice actor as Travis Touchdown from the No More Heroes games.
  • Enjoys festivals and going to them (His favourite being Oktoberfest), with the exception of the We-Lose-Once-Again Fest.
  • Heavy won't let him do anything.
  • Keeps a whole flock of doves as pets. One of them is suitably named Archimedes.
  • Actually has 8 souls, which he surgically attached to himself.
  • Is the übermensch.

The Medic and his wife at dinner.