Gwonam

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Gwonam is a character commonly used in Youtube Poop, generally referred to as the "Freaky Carpet Guy", or "Squadallah Guy", simply "Squadallah", or "Pimpsahoy". Link has called him "Gohma" at least once due to being horrible at pronouncing his name correctly, though the ever-patient Gwonam seemed unphased by this. He was featured on Youchew Trading Card #6 with the following description:

"AKA "Squadala Guy", Gwonam's a wizard who rides his carpet around Hyrule to deliver important news to the King and Link. Gifted at freeing birds and interpreting strange fish hieroglyphics that would probably be indecipherable without him."

General Information

Early Life

Gwonam showing his Pizzeria, which was made out of legos behind King Harkinian's '41 Plymouth.

Gwonam himself has often given the story that he was born in 1919 in presumably Saudi Arabia. He moved to London at age 22, then moved to Sparta at age 26, and finally settled in China, where he lived for 17 years. But then, the Communist government of China decided to excommunicate Gwonam from his work in spiritual prophecy, as what he proclaimed to be "as written" contrasted with Maoist idealogies. He subsequently took a trip to the U.S. in 1969 to attend Woodstock. He stopped off to eat at Morshu's Dinner Palace and became instant friends with Morshu after putting his mastery of maps to use and explained that Woodstock would not be held on Morshu's restaurant. Gwonam was given a coupon for free carpet flying lessons as a reward. Gaining interest in magic, he decided to drop his hippie lifestyle and become a genie/wizard. He attended the University of Squadallah from 1970-1974, where the now famous line "Squadallah, we're off!" was the University's motto. Then, he met King Harkinian , the king of the land of Hyrule. The king took Gwonam to Hyrule and asked him to be his royal soothsayer and messenger. Gwonam accepted, and he has been living in Hyrule ever since.

Gwonam when he was a hippy.

It is not confirmed on how he became homosexual, but it is speculated that these traits began in his teenage years. Scarce records show that he snuck kisses with other teenage boys in the neighborhood. He would even kiss his own brothers. This means that these boys were gay long before gay was well-known.

Modern Life

Gwonam is an old guy on a magic carpet that brings about a sacred prophecy. Gwonam interprets that the prophecy states, "Only Link can defeat Ganon", from an ancient text that seems to read "Squiggle squiggle squiggle fish squiggle squiggle". His catch phrase is the famed, "Squadallah!" which he says every time he sets off on flight or when he gets an erection. It has been rumored that Gwonam has a deep obsession with taking Link and Zelda to iHOP. He also seem to like to stand in a same posings and movements when Link meets him in his magic carpet while he (Gwonam) tells Link about Ganon's minions. he also likes to tell Link to "look" or "see" Something..

Possessions

Gwonam, Link, King Harkinian, and Zelda when they finally have their acclaimed dinner.

Gwonam seems to be quite the item master and is a large help when it comes to aiding Link on his quests.

• The Map
• A Magic Carpet
• Robes and turban
• Weird facial hair
• A strange ability to see into the future to find out what Ganon's minions are doing
• A lamp which allows him to "see the Sand Crumies"
• Cum
• Possibly some birds.
• Evil birds!
• YouTube
• Lots of random CDs, especially from his favorite band, "The Byrds".
• An X-Wing he bought off eBay (Has recently been crashed by King Harkinian. It's current repair status is unknown)

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Gwonam and his bird.

Quotes

Gwonam "Your Majesty, Ganon and his minions as seen in the Island of Koridai."

Gwonam "It is written, only Link can defeat Ganon."

Gwonam "There is no time. Your sword is enough"

Gwonam "SAQUALLADAH!! We're off!"

Gwonam "These are the faces of evil. You must conquer each."

Gwonam "Here is The Map! Where do you wish to go?"

Gwonam "LOOK AND SEE, GORONU..."

Gwonam "AT LAST, you have the vision to find my house! Now, go with many blessings!"

Gwonam "Go with many Zelbinems!"

Gwonam "Well done, Link! Ganon is now imprisoned. CUM!"

Gwonam "Look, already Koridai is returning to peace and harmony. The Birds are singing. Isn't it beautiful?"

Gwonam "YOU, LINK, ARE THE HERO OF KORIDAI!!!"

Gwonam "You must die."

Gwonam "CUM!"

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Gwonam's house, isn't it beautiful

Gwonam "Your Majesty, Duke Onkled is under attack by the evil forces of Ganon!"

Gwonam "Your Majesty, you must die!"

Gwonam "Your Majesty, Link must die!"

Gwonam "Well done, your majesty!"

Gwonam "Your Majesty, Link is gay and your face is beautiful!!"

Gwonam "Many Blessings!"

Gwonam "Your Majesty, Ganon is returning to harm you all!"

Gwonam "No Link, consider this... Ganon is evil!"

Gwonam "Evil warriors are the most dangerous of Koridai."

Gwonam "At last, you see!"

Gwonam "You must defeat Ganon and I will say "YOU, LINK, ARE THE HERO OF KORIDAI!!!"

Gwonam "You will die!"

Gwonam "Link, we're going to the beach."

Gwonam "NO, YOU!"

Gwonam "Very well, you just opened a can of whoopass!"

Gwonam "Morshu..."

Gwonam "I'm going to kick your ass!"

Gwonam "Go, with no blessings!"

Gwonam "You have the vision!"

Gwonam "Oh no you didn't!!"

Gwonam "It isn't my fault!"

Gwonam "NO!"

Gwonam "STOP!!!"

Gwonam "Very well, Link!"

Gwonam "There is no God. There is no Jesus. There is no Allah!"

Gwonam "What did I miss?"

Gwonam "I live in Koridai."

Gwonam "Zelda, the King is DEAD!!!"

Gwonam "Beautiful!!"

Gwonam "May the squadallah be with you!"

Gwonam "Squadafuckinglah!"

Gwonam "What the fuck do you want from me now?!"

Gwonam "Fine, I will sing for you once again."

Gwonam "That is enough. I'm too tired."

Gwonam "Enough is Enough your majesty."

Gwonam "You, Link are a lazy turd!"

Gwonam "Your majesty, Mario is here!"

Gwonam "Only fchan is furry enough, you must fap to Fchan!"

Gwonam "You cannot grasp the true form of my SQUADILLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Gwonam "Your Majesty, CD-i is officially dead!!"

Gwonam "This is well done, Your Majesty! SkyGuy16 is the shiznit!"

Gwonam "Shall I have this dance?"

Gwonam "That was some good Barrel Rolling, Harkinian!"

Gwonam "Ganon is in my house."

Gwonam "Completely wrong!"

Gwonam "Calm down!"

Gwonam "The birds are being stoned. Isn't it beautiful?"

Gwonam "Dad and his minions have seized the island of Car In Time!"

Gwonam "District in the morning main content defeating Jenny."

Gwonam "Your majesty, Waxonator seized your imagination."

Gwonam "There is no dinner."

Gwonam "Well darling, Gannon is once again the imprisoned mountain!"

Trivia

• His favorite band is The Byrds.
• He once worked for the Angry German Kid.
• Was originally casted for the role of "Genie" in Aladdin, but was replaced at the last minute for failing a drug test.
• He has six toes on his left foot, but no one knows about that (until now}.
• His claim that "only Link can defeat Ganon" has been disproved by the fact that Ganon has been defeated by Zelda and Game Luigi.
• In about a million and one years, Gwanom will be turned into a mechanical genie, and put on an island. There he will meet a giant baby and Flapjack.
• Gwonam tried to sell his flying magic carpet to Link in 1978, but Von Vulture claimed it was fake and 30 years later Link still has not bought it.
• Once said that The King totally burned Zelda and Link.
• He has a YouTube account called nijjhar1.
• He really likes the movie Dino Time. And I mean REALLY likes it. He became emo when it was gone and committed suicide. Three times.
• Once owned a restaurant chain called Squadallah Burger hiring Link as an employee, but since it only sold burgers, it failed in the light of Duke Onkled's Diner that also sold pizza, potato chips, spaghetti and pizza pie.
• Is the current owner of Gwonam's Pizzeria which at one point was Morshu's Dinner Palace. Mayor Kravindish works there as the Maitre D' and Curly is the waiter. The King however dislikes the place because of the lack of hamburgers.

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Gwonam currently lives his life by growing stuff out of the King.

• He once sang the I.M. Meen song. He sang it beautifully, but he could only do the first part. The reason why he didn't do the rest of the song was because he got possessed by something.
• Link masturbates to his Facebook pictures. Spooky.
• Squadallah could possibly be referring to "Squad Allah", an Islam youth group.
• The birds are singing. Yes, it IS beautiful.
• He once thought that CD-i was officially dead as a YouTube Poop source. However, that was before the King decided to show him that "Big Beat Mario" video. That video made Gwonam change his mind about CD-i being dead.
• Owns several flying carpets. One is from the '70s (he's been trying to sell it to Link for over 30 years), one has a hemi, and one is an unreliable second hand carpet.
• He does own one car, a 1925 Nash.
• He wonders what is wrong with the idea of school to the people who hate school in the first place.
• One time, he told Link to calm down. Unfortunately, that made things worse for him.
• He knows how to make 4 versions of hisself. However, he rarely shows his power, so you're shit out of luck right there.
• He lives Growing plants out of the head of King Harkinian.