Soldier

This article is filed under Characters.

Error creating thumbnail: File missing

FARM

Error creating thumbnail: File missing

The Soldier in his early days during The 2Fort War, nicknamed "The Blue Bomber" during that time.

The Soldier is one of Heavy Weapons Guy's and Demoman's gay soldier-lovers in Team Fortress 2. He is known to be one of Mama Luigi's few weaknesses, due to excessive yelling and having an uncanny explosion fetish.

Cultural Heritage: A real American.

Arsenal

• Rocket Launcher: Fires rockets. If you're his unlucky victim it was more then likely a crit rocket.
• Shotgun: Good God how many classes have a fucking shotgun as a secondary weapon?
• Shovel: The very one which will eventually be used to bury him. In the meantime it does a great job making people to bury.

Update

• Direct Hit: Fires faster and more powerful rockets, but they have less splash damage, hence the name "Direct Hit." If you're his unlucky victim you were either in midair or a class with low health to begin with. Replaces the ROOW-KIT LAUNCHER!
• Buff Banner: Rush the fort, maggots! If you can survive long enough to fill your rage meter, you can toot your bugle, raise your flag and surrender your allies nearby will fire minicrits! Replaces the Shotgun.
• Equalizer: As you take more damage, you become stronger when holding this...I don't get it either. Taunting with it involves blowing himself up. Replaces the Shovel.
• Gunboats: Earned from winning the war against those pesky Demomen, these special armored boots are designed to reduce damage inflicted from rocketjumping and are also an essential tool in several dungeons. Replaces the Shotgun.
• Rocket Jumper: A basically useless rocket launcher that deals no damage, but it sure is great for practicing rocket jumping. Who needs jetpacks when you've got one of these babies?
• Cow Mangler 5000: HOLY SHIT. This weapon's a REAL laser bazooka, designed for instant disintegration! Not needing ammo, this baby's charged shot can disable even Level 3 Sentries! Now how does that feel Spy? Not only that but you can show the Pyro how it's done by setting enemies hit by the blast on fire! While you try and contain that awesomeness, I'll tell you now it replaces the ROOW-KIT LAUNCHER!
• Righteous Bison: If you thought the Cow Mangler was awesome, check out this nifty ray gun! Enjoy listening to their screams of pain as your shots penetrate right through multiple enemies! Just to couple it with the Cow Mangler, this blaster replaces the Shotgun.
• Conscientious Objector: You are now a conscientious objector to being DEAD, thanks to this protest sign with which you can put on ANY IMAGE and I mean ANY IMAGE (Provided you have the tool)! Replaces the Shovel.
• Escape Plan: A pickaxe just like the Equalizer but it increases speed as you take damage and marks you for death. It's an all-or-nothing risk. Replaces the Shovel.
• Necro Smasher: A miniature replica of the hammer used in the World's Largest Strongman Machine. Not only the classic tool for testing your strength, but also a great blood-splattering, bone-breaking bludgeon! Replaces the Shovel.

Community

• Pain Train: A makeshift club made from a discarded Axtinguisher handle and an iron railroad spike, which inexplicably increases the wielder's capture rate. The Demoman can also wield this weapon. Replaces the Shovel.
• Black Box: This trusty rocket launcher originally used for blowing up tanks heals the Soldier on every successful hit trading off for a smaller clip size. Ok, how many classes have a way of healing themselves now? Replaces the RAW-KIT LAWNCHAIR.
• Battalion's Backup: If you can survive long enough to fill your rage meter this time, teammates are protected from crits and take less damage with extra resistance against sentries. Rally an almost invincible horde! Replaces the Shotgun.
• Concheror: What more vampire weapons? Anyway, dealing damage builds rage and when the seashell is blown, all nearby teammates heal some of the damage they deal and get a speed boost. Nothing like good old Japanese guile to rally the troops! Also has passive regenerating health to keep your warlord alive. Replaces the Shotgun.
• Half-Zatoichi: Don't pull this katana out when you don't need it, because you can't swap to another weapon until you make a kill with this one. The Demoman can also use this...wait...are they just gonna battle sword to sword rather than capping the intelligence? Anywho, replaces the Shovel.
• Mantreads: The Soldier gets in on Mario's act of Goomba stomping his enemies into oblivion with these damage dealing boots. Trust me. You're not gonna like being hit by a Rocket Stomp. Replaces the Shotgun.
• Disciplinary Action: Screw human rights! Whacking your men with this Riding Crop has proven to increase running speed of teammates into battle! Replaces the Shovel.
• Liberty Launcher: Fires faster rockets, but no splash damage penalty here. There is, however, an overall damage penalty. Regardless, you might as well go into a humiliation stance. Replaces the RAW-KIT...wait. I think you already know what it replaces.
• Reserve Shooter: Juggle 'em up with one rocket, shoot 'em down with the 5 second Mini-Crit bonus for airborne targets this new shotgun brings.
• Market Gardener: This Shovel is lethal to other airborne targets when rocket jumping. No sticky jumper or FaN Scout should dare interrupt your graceful leap when you've got this baby!
• Beggar's Bazooka: Can load up to three rockets for a barrage of destruction, like in Unreal Tournament! But they deviate in 3 different degrees of direction, like your launcher had one too many to drink. Also, careful not to overload or else it'll misfire, leaving you with a team full of laughter. Be extra careful with the ammo too, as you cannot collect ammo from dispensers while using it. Replaces the Rocket Launcher.
• Bat Outta Hell: This gruesome skull on a spine gives new meaning to the word "headbanging" as you whack your enemies with it! In fact, you can make this weapon by tearing out your own skull and spine...actually, don't. Replaces the Shovel.
• Air Strike: As its name suggests, this Rocket Launcher is most effective while airborne. Rockets shoot faster while in the air and each kill increases the ammo clip by one. Also known as the Soldier's best Macross impression.
• B.A.S.E. Jumper: While most would use this parachute pack for a safe descent, the Soldier is content to use it to rain hell from above. Replaces the Shotgun.

Promotion

• Frying Pan: CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG. That about sums up this weapon. Replaces the Shovel.
• Original: Holy Shit Quotient is at its peak with this classic Rocket Launcher from Quake. Updated look, original sounds and...HOLY COW IN THE CENTRE OF THE SCREEN JUST LIKE OLD TIMES! Replaces the Rocket Launcher. No I don't feel like doing that joke today.
• Freedom Staff: A staff with a golden eagle on top. Originally used by Kofi Annan to beat many a great dictator's head in, it has since been stolen and is for some reason now in the TF2 team's arsenal. Replaces the Shovel.
• Ham Shank: Don't run! It's just ham! No! It really is! Who knew that such a mass of meat could be a useful bludgeon? Replaces the Shovel.

Event

• Saxxy: Only a select few received this coveted statuette of good old Saxton said to have been carved by King Midas/Sauron specially for the Saxxy Awards replay contest. Now MORE people are turning their enemies into gold and holding bragging rights! Replaces the Shovel.
• Memory Maker: Given only to those who made the finals of the Second Saxxy Awards, this camera makes the ideal dual-purpose video capture device: For bludgeoning people with it and recording a video of you bludgeoning people with it! Replaces the Shovel.

Special Note: When the Soldier wields the Black Box and Battalion's Backup plus a hat called the "Grenadier's Softcap", he leaves a calling card on his victims. That useless tank of a maggot just got busted!

{{#ev:youtube|h42d0WHRSck|320}}

Aren't you persistent, Soldier?

{{#ev:youtube|ilVMNr-MPSo|320}}

World War II

Though he wanted desperately to fight in World War II, the Soldier was rejected from every branch of the U.S. military (including the Coast Guard). Undaunted, he bought his own ticket to Europe. After arriving and finally locating Poland, the Soldier taught himself how to load and fire a variety of weapons before embarking on a Nazi killing spree for which he was awarded several medals that he designed and made himself. His rampage ended immediately upon hearing about the end of the war in 1949.

Vietnam and 2Fort

He desperately wanted to fight in Vietnam as well, but still the Soldier was rejected from the military branches (Even if drafting was used.) This time he went to Teufort, New Mexico instead to kill some other people. He was awarded the Medal of Honour by himself and was signed as head of the General of the Blue Team. It later turned out that the Red Team had more players and more points, so the Soldier switched like a bastard to the Red Team and has been fighting on it ever since.

Quotes

• "AND FROM THAT DAY FORTH, WHENEVER A BUNCH OF ANIMALS GOT TOGETHER, IT'S CALLED A ZOO!!"
• "UNLESS IT'S A FARM!"
• "HERDED THEM ONTO A BOAT!"
• "BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF EVERY SINGLE ONE."
• "SCREAMIN' EAGULS!"
• "You are all maggots, you scum sucking fruit baskets!"
• "IF GOD HAD WANTED YOU TO LIVE HE WOULD NOT HAVE CREATED ME!"
• "YOU ARE ALL DISHONOURABLY DISCHARGED!"
• "That was an amazing killing spree...BY THE OTHER TEAM!"
• "That Scout is a faggot!"
• "Scotland is NOT a real country! You are an Englishman in a DRESS!"
• "(Mocks French Laughter) You're Dominated!"
• "Your white flag does not stop American bullets!"
• "C'mere Cupcake!"
• "Welcome to the United States of YOU JUST GOT DOMINATED!"
• "This American boot just kicked your ass back to Russia!"
• "You are like the cyclops of Greek myth, except you are Scottish, AND I HATE YOU!"
• "GET A HAIRCUT HIPPIE! Just in case..."
• "You were good son, real good... maybe, even the best."
• "Godspeed, you magnificent bastard!"
• "We've failed, men!"
• "WHICH OF YOU NUMB-NUTS LET US DOWN?!"
• "Painis Cupcake!"
• "My foot will transform into a foot with your ass wrapped around it!"
• "I will never feel pity, or remorse, or fear...or comfortable...in this costume!"
• "OH NO! THAT ROBOT IS A GHOST!"
• "MINE!"
• "I am Painis Cupcake! I will eat you!" (makes creepy smile)
• "Man up ladies!"
• "Mwa-ha! the spoils of war."
• "Let's give this soup can Hell!"
• "I am not trapped in a facility full of robots. You are all trapped in here with me!"
• "Let's kick this robot's ass back to the Bronze Age!"
• "Reboot in Robot Hell you tin savages!"
• "This is not a robot tea party, sparkbags! This is Robot War!"
• "Get a haircut, trashcans."
• "The best part of you ran down your motherboard."
• "U-S-A!"
• "I will open up your chassis and use you all as a latrine!"
• "Human grits always beats robot magic."
• "I have uploaded a boot up your metal asses!"
• "Never forget, always remember: Pepper fie!"
• "All men gave some. Some men gave more than some."
• "You call that a loss? I've crapped bigger losses than that!"
• "You are the worst roommate!"
• "Don't you die on me, gravity!"
• "Must...think...about...sensible haircuts!"
• "IT'S A BOOK! HE'S GOING TO READ!"
• "DAMN YOU MERASMUS! YOU ARE THE WORST ROOMMAAAAAAATE!"
• "Come on out Merasmus! I've got your body! It's not burned! Looks pretty good! I might crawl in there myself!"
• "I am scared you maggots!"
• "Oh look it's Houdini! What's that Houdini? You're looking for a new best friend? Too bad there's no wizards around-- GET OUT HERE MERASMUS!"
• "We give up, Merasmus! You're too scary for us! NOW COME OUT SO WE CAN KICK YOUR ASS!"
• "MERASMUS STOP TAKING JOBS FROM AMERICAN GHOSTS!"
• "Merasmus! I am going to pull a rabbit out of your ass!"
• "Merasmus! Take your voodoo back to Canada! WHERE IT BELONGS!"
• "I will rip off your ghost head and crap in your stupid hat!"
• "I am going to haunt your ass with my foot!"
• "Tonight your ass will be visited by three ghosts! My foot, my other foot, and a ghost!"
• "You are ten pounds of ghost crap in a five-pound dress!"
• "Son you are a disgrace to the afterlife. You do not deserve to wear that magic dress."
• "I am not afraid of no ghosts! I REFUSE to be afraid of no ghosts!"
• "I have returned from the grave to give the living haircuts!"
• "Brains! Haircuts! Hippies! Braaaains!"
• "This old man won't push himself to Hell, ladies!"
• "I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK!"
• "GOD BLESS AMERICA!"
• "SON OF A CUSSING CUSS-WORD!"
• "THE EAGLE HAS LANDED! ON MY HEAD!"
• "Screaming eagle! AAAAAAH!"
• "MERASMUS! I HATE YOU!"
• "Dominated! By the great seal of the United States of My Head!"
• "DAAAAH! MY HEAD SMELLS DELICIOUS!"
• "If God had wanted you to live, he would not have made me a mindless puppet of this brain maggot!"
• "YOU ARE ALL MAGGOTS! Oop sorry brain maggot I forgot you were there."
• "TEN-HUT! You too brain maggot!"
• "Can one of you look at the top of my head? It feels--(monotone) Do not look at this man's head. Go about your business."
• "YOU'RE ALL MAGGOTS YOU SCUM-SUCKING FRUIT BASKETS! No offence, brain maggot."
• "Friendship is magic, creampuff!"
• "In this man's unicorn army, you clomp your hooves when a superior officer addresses you!"
• "Men, these are the facts as I understand them: One: I am the prettiest unicorn! Two: My mane is lustrous and fragrant, and it catches the wind perfectly! DISMISSED!"
• "Let's get one thing straight: You are all pretty unicorns, but I am the prettiest unicorn! DID I STUTTER!?"
• "Sound off like you've got a horn!"
• "Abracadabra! I just made all my bullets disappear into your chest cavity!"
• "Wanna see a magic trick? Presto, you're dead!
• "I did not have permission to die!"
• "This is what the president must feel like all the time."
• "This is what God would use to shoot somebody."
• "You can have this when you pry it from my cold dead hands, and even then good luck! Because I will have glued it to my cold dead hands."
• "I do not see enough pushing!"
• "Push you apple-blossoms!"
• "You will push this cart or I will push you into a grave!"
• "SEE!!"
• "I TELEPORTED BREAD!"

Trivia

SEXY AS HELL

• He owns a FARM.
• Also owns a zoo. (Unless it's a farm.)
• He also has a fetish for pressing one a lot.
• One of his taunts is grenade, which involves him throwing his Equalizer to the ground, pulling out a grenade, pulling the pin, then blowing himself up, as well as everyone around him.
• The BLU Soldier goes under the alias Jane Doe and lives in an apartment in an undisclosed location. Until recently he was best pals with the RED Demoman.
• Is rumored to be the evolved form of the Civilian.
• Often paired with the Engineer in a line of cheap comedies known as Team Phailtress 324.
• Is one of the loudest characters in the world of YouTube Poop. Along with Haruhi, Tidyup, Loud Kiddington and possibly Super Robotnik.
• Can do a Falcon Punch, as exampled in this video.
• Enjoys knocking two grenades together, despite the obvious explosion hazard.
• He has two grenades where his testicles should be. He lives in constant fear of someone pulling the pins.
• Is a great juggler.
• Also enjoys talking to decapitated heads, which may indicate that he has no friends.
• His voice actor did several roles in Star Fox 64, including Wolf O'Donnell, General Pepper, Leon Powalski, and Andross.
• Can transform into the evil known as the "Painis Cupcake". God help us... God help us all!
• He is currently dating Heavy's sister Zhanna. And Heavy is not happy about this.

See Also

• Team Fortress 2