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Captain Falcon

From Chewiki Archive - YouChew: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
CharNice.jpg This article is filed under Characters.
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I believe he wants you to display your moves.
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The man behind the PUUUUUUUNCH!
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His manly smile will punch you in the face!



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Captain Falcon loves showing Solid Snake his mini self doing a Falcon Punch.
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However, he doesn't like it when Solid Snake and Otacon try to steal his moves (Badly, might I add.).
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Captain Falcon was the last person to meet Billy Mays (His wife doesn't count.) before his death.
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Samus Aran thinks he has AIDS.

Captain Douglas J. Falcon is arguably the lead and most popular character from F-Zero. He likes to punch people with his trademark move, the Falcon Punch, which very rarely destroys a whole galaxy because otherwise, the elitist tourneyfags will complain. He is the third strongest creature in the universe. He also invented the FALGASM, which can smash even Hulk Hogan into pieces. And he's overused like no tommorow.

Captain Falcon currently holds the title of "Manliest Being in the World". He is also the only person who would not be obliterated by a Falcon Punch.

His racer, The Blue Falcon, also serves as a life-size model of his penis (which he calls the "Falcon Phoenis")

Captain Falcon's Signature MOVES![edit]

  • Falcon Punch
  • Falcon Kick
  • Falcon Hug (usually used as a recovery MOVE!)
  • Raptor Boost
  • EYYYIIIH Flaming Roundhouse Kick (Dropped it in 2001)
  • Erotic Shoulder Barge (Replacement for the above move)
  • The Knee of Justice
  • Downward Double Stomp

Captain Falcon's Victims[edit]


  • "FALCON PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  • "Falcon Kick!"
  • "Yes!"
  • "Show Me Ya Boobs!" (Said when talking to Samus)
  • "Come On!"
  • "Blue Falcon!"
  • "Yes!"
  • "Show Me Ya Moobs!"
  • "Show Me Ya Moo!"
  • "Show Me Ya Moon!"
  • "Show Me Ya Moose!"
  • "Yaagh!!!"
  • "Soviet Moods!"
  • "Sodium Boobs!"
  • "Show Me Ya Moves!"
  • "Of course not." (Is the only way he could actually say no.)
  • "Yeah!"
  • "Thank you. I couldn't have done it without my fans."
  • "Black Shadow! It looks like you and me are both going to the hell."
  • "Only the one who has exceeded Falcon can become Falcon."
  • "Ryuu Suzaku! From this day forth, you are Captain Falcon."


  • His parents are Ganondorf and an unidentified mother who died from childbirth.
  • He once teamed up with M. Bison to try to defeat Dr. Robotnik and Fat Mario in the epic argument of the century.
  • His favorite NFL team is the Atlanta Falcons because, well, it involves the fucking falcons, which he's a captain of. When his team lost to the Arizona Cardinals, he decided to Falcon Punch every single one of his fucking teammates.
  • He accidently once ripped his pants when he tried to save a baby from a train.
  • Whenever he intimidates M. Bison, he orgasms like there's no fucking tomorrow.
  • His Blue Falcon was built by Arthur Read, who thought it was a model penis. He was right. In exchange, Captain Falcon taught Arthur how to do a Falcon Punch. Arthur later died from doing one.
  • He plans on having a new F-Zero machine called the Neo Blue Falcon.
  • He turns into Captain Falgiygas when his Falcon Punch collides with a Final Smash. (i.e., Marth's Limit Breaker and Ike's Great Aether.)
  • He also did a Youtube Poop match with Abu5ername, a.k.a., Ike from the Fire Emblem series.
  • Apparently, he's got AIDS. Thankfully, Captain Falcon responded to those accusations by saying that it was a lie created by Ike.
  • He also apparently died when Link used his ocarina to make everything go back in time before Captain Falcon became Captain Falgiygas and Ike used a trap to negate his Falcon Punch and allowed him to summon his archrival Blood Falcon to trap him in his Blue Falcon and make him fall into a pit of lava. (Or is it magma?)
  • He has a mind control trick where he can make any woman flash him just by saying "Show me your boobs!". Only Tsunade can resist it (Although Captain Falcon probably doesn't want to see her real boobs in the first place {maybe}).
  • Has started a (somewhat) new fad where Mr. Zero asks Captain Falcon a question {i.e. "Will you allow us to see your face?"} and he says (and one time, does) something that saddens or mindfucks him and then, it plays very randomish music.
  • Has a weird rivalry with Terry Bogard.
  • Is one of the very few people who have the specialty of having the Chuck Norris-type of "facts."
  • He once decided to team up with Link, Fari, and M. Bison to try and defeat the team of Ganon, Gwonam, Dr. Robotnik, and Fat Mario in the ultimate battle for the ages. Unfortunetly, this made the King go insane.
  • Shadow the Hedgehog's death came at the hands of his Falcon Punch. His Falcon Punch obliterated Shadow so badly that the molecular bonds in Shadow's body were broken, yielding pure hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and other elements.
  • Is rumoured to be the guy in the NES/Famicom game "Mach Rider".

Alter Egos[edit]


On September 28, 2004, after Ryuu Suzaku overloaded the Dark Reactor, Black Shadow angrily jumped from his machine, shocked by the destruction of his dream. Captain Falcon responded by jumping from his machine, and unleashing a falcon Punch on Black Shadow. They were both killed in the explosion.

On the other hand, "Captain Falcon" is just a title passed on through generations that the aforementioned dead guy held, passed-on to he who exceeds Falcon, and Douglas J. Falcon, the original, is still alive. Take that as you will.

You just finished reading Captain Falcon's article! Now go and have some of his special lunch. YES!!