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Billy Mays

From Chewiki Archive - YouChew: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
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Billy Mays, as he appeared in a rare bomb threat video.
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The Demoman, seen here watching one of Billy Mays' commercials.

Billy Mays was a TV salesman who promoted various products. While his Poop appearances have been seldom in the past, sightings have been reported more often recently.

Billy Mays was born July 20, 1958, in McKees Rocks, Pennsylvania, and died June 28, 2009 in Tampa, Florida.


On the surface, Billy Mays appeared to be an average TV salesman promoting a detergent product. However, he was a deranged bomber with a particular knack for detonating washing machines, by using a strange, blue orb collectively nicknamed "The Ball". This item was later revealed to be the pinball from Sonic Pinball Party, which was imbued with a cursed power after a Japanese child beat Sonic at his own GBA game.

He was one of the sworn enemies of Mama Luigi, issued by The Colonel to capture Mama Luigi dead or alive. Apparently, he enjoyed toying with Mama Luigi by detonating washing machines rapidly in succession. He was last seen recently promoting a special hamburger cooking thing that allows you to cook five hamburgers at once.

He was also the fourth loudest character in all of Youtube Poop, next to George the Volcano, Haruhi Suzumiya and Tidyup. He was ahead of Binky The Clown and Sarah though.

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Billy Mays in a photo with Captain Falcon juuuuust right before his death occured.

Billy Mays was found dead in his home on Sunday, June 28, 2009. May he rest in peace. May we also use the products Billy Mays sold us with for his honor.


  • HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH *insert product here*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Now, watch 300!
  • Call right now, and I'll TRIPLE THE OFFER and send you six sticks of Suicide Putty, so you can kill yourself six times!!!!!!!
  • So kill yourself right now.
  • We'll send you the Handy Toilet, so you don't have to shit in your tackle box.
  • You have nothing to lose, but everything to gain.
  • Zorbeez attracts water like Vince attacks hookers.
  • WHY AM I SHOUTING?!?!?!?!? (To think that that's what we all wonder about.)
  • Watch your family attack ME!!!
  • I give it 47 million thumbs up!!!
  • Finally, suicide you can actually afford!
  • You can hang yourself on a shower door!
  • Call right now, and I'll TRIPLE THE OFFER and send you six sticks of suicide putty and send you 160 Suicide Hooks so you can kill yourself and you can hang yourself 166 times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • You can kill your hooker mom with your Suicide Putty!!!
  • But you gotta hang yourself on a shower door to get Billy Mays' offer!
  • Ordinary burgers taste like SHIT ON A BUN!!!!!
  • I know what you're thinking. You love Billy Mays! You love Billy Mays as much as your children! You love Billy Mays MORE THAN LIFE! Whatever your situation, nothing is more important than BILLY MAYS!
  • You shut your whore mouth when Billy Mays is talking!!!
  • Why pay lower insurance rates, when you could pay a fortune to Billy Mays! And look! It's like the money was never there.
  • No more squishin' & squashin', or flippin' & floppin'!!!
  • Just pee in the closet with confidence!
  • We'll send you the world's most powerful weed!
  • Are you fed up with looking like the most clueless asshole in the world?!
  • Try Suicide Putty!
  • No, you bitch, the Billy Mays Switch!
  • Fuck you, bitch!
  • Uh-oh! That will leave a mark!
  • Simply knead to activate, apply, and die.
  • And this hammer, is not real!
  • Talk about shock absorbency! I'm gonna run over Anthony Sullivan WITH THIS FULLY LOADED, 80,000 POUND TRACTOR TRAILER!! Hah ha ha hahahahahaha!!!
  • That's right! I use Extenze, and now, my cock is so big, that in some states, it's even illegal!
  • Simply peel off all your clothing, and shit!
  • THIS... IS... Billy Mays here for DC Snowboard Boot! [kicks the Persian Messenger down the well]
  • What do you do when you gotta shit in your car?


Billy Mays is obviously known for his products he sells. Simply order, knead to activate, apply and die.

  • Oxi Clean
  • Kaboom NeverScrub
  • Mighty Putty
  • Mighty Mendit
  • Big City Slider Station
  • Zorbeez
  • The Big City Toilet
  • Handy Toilet
  • Suicide Putty
  • Suicide Hooks
  • Suicide Ladder
  • Kaboom Scrub


{{#ev:youtube|kPh9jO3xu4w|320}}Now you can throw away Kaboom and scrub your toilet again!
  • Extenze
  • Green Away
  • Los Hooks de Hercules
  • Super Crack
  • Drunk Jack
  • Handy Jack-It Switch
  • Shit Bazooka


  • Always yells out "HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH..." on every single commercial he's in.
  • Likes to shout in his TV commercials.
  • Once appeared in a Bomberman game as that guy who drops blue Bombs.
  • Was supposed to get his own video game called "Oxy-Cleanman," which was cancelled after a washing machine mysteriously exploded inside the "DEVELOPMENT ROOM."
  • Was also supposed to have filmed Taco Bell infomercial-style commercials this month, which was canceled after he died. I not joking on that one.
  • Often emphasizes to viewers that The Ball can cause combustion with EITHER POWDER, OR LIQUID detergent.
  • Is capable of getting a quickie with your mom while you choke on his other inventions, like Suicide Putty.
  • Once fell inside a tub by accident in one of his Oxi-Clean commercials.
  • He is also sworn enemies with Vince Offer, the ShamWow guy, as well as Sam Pak, the Appliance Direct guy, but is surprisingly friends with Anthony Sullivan.
  • His beard is better than that of Chuck Norris. It's even better than Al Borland's.
    • He gets even better!
  • Has moved on from cleaning products, and is now seen with cooking products, now with 25% more cleaning subliminal messages.
  • He was the Door to Door Salesman in Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
  • Someone once threw a hammer at his head during the filming of a commercial. The commercial was never aired.
  • Once had questions for Barack Obama and he even advertised in front of him.
  • Has dissed Vince Offer badly by saying that "Sham-Wow" ripped off his "Zorbeez", which was on the market two years ago, as well as Vince's "Slap Chop" ripped off his "Quick Chop". He also called his Slap Chop the Crap Chop, denied Vince's apology that Billy got on the Internet, said that he broke the special code, and rapped that "he ain't the Beastie Boys or Run-DMC, he's Billy Mays and he's going to knock you down to your knees".
  • Was rumored to be a cocaine addict before his death.
  • His beard is so epic that when he died it detached and ran away. It now lives in a small town in Alaska and has a wife and two kids.


Yoshi gives Billy Mays' products and other stuff of his a perfect 10 out of 10.
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Billy Mays was pronounced dead in the morning of June 28, 2009. in Tampa, Florida. The cause of death has not yet been found, although some reports indicate that he was found with Suicide Putty. Again this may be due to Pickle Surprise. Capitalists throughout the Youtube Poop World mourned the loss of this symbol of modern capitalism (I remember now. TELEVISION!), and Anthony Sullivan actually broke-down into tears. Vince Offer was suspiciously nowhere to be found, but it is assumed that he is happy about this.

President Robotnik also declared this day a holiday to be dedicated to him and have a memorial to him where anyone can have any of Billy Mays' products be available for stores.

Billy Mays was also funny not only in real life, but also on Youtube.