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Wizardheimer

From Chewiki Archive - YouChew: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
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Name: Wizardheimer
Appears In: Super Mario World
Sex: Male
DOB: 1895 (age 126–127)
Nationality: German
Occupation(s): Eeevil Koopa Wizard
Played By: John Stocker

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Wizardheimer being tortured by shitty Sonic recolors.

Wizardheimer (B. 1895) is an overweight, old and eeeevil Koopa Wizard who holds people prisoners in the dungeon of his haunted house, located in a haunted woods, for no apparent reason. His favourite pastime is slaughtering everyone in sight, which he does with gusto, often cackling in a deluded manner the whole time. Often called an eggface, he once tried to take over the Youtube poop world with a seizure spell. He despises people who get his name wrong. Only Wizardheimer and Jafar know where the Cave of Uctions rests.

List of Known Spells

  • Bob-ombius: Generates Bob-ombs.
  • Plungum: Forces people to plunge themselves into warp pipes.
  • BAAH: Fires geometric shapes at unsuspecting passerbys.
  • Volvicia: Revives the dead (With ginseng and guarana.).
  • Labyrinthin: Creates labyrinths within books; taught to his protege.
  • Whateveryousaycaverat: Warps annoying cave kids into the dungeon.
  • Capapillus: Brings anal beads to life as Caterpillars.
  • Shoopuswhoopus: Huge laser beam. Shares this power with ♥♪!? (aka Geno).
  • Yaegghead: Turns the victim into an egg. Shares this power with Yoshi.
  • Koopasez: Hypnotizes target into exercising.
  • Psychic: 90 power, 100 accuracy, 10 PP, chance of lowering Sp.Def.
  • Deleo-mens: Erases the mind. A spell that he invented, patented, and sold to the Men in Black.
  • Mugio-aevum: De-ages victim by X years (x=number mentioned). Another patented invention of his.
  • Mogio-eevum: Opposite of Mugio-aevum.
  • Magio-oevum: Changes victim's gender. If the victim becomes a female, chance of impregnating victim.
  • Hamburger (can be said in any way and one's wand would still understand it): Summons Inspector Closeau
  • Cheeseburger: A variation of the above that summons Aran Ryan.
  • Youguysareinbigtrouble: Automatically punishes victims for no apparent reason, based on user's Charisma.
  • Pokemonus: Turns the victim into a Pokemon. Can be used either alone or in the second part of a spell.
  • Abrakadiarrhea: Causes the victim to shit their pants with liquid diarrhea.
  • Avada Kedavra: Instant death. One of the three Unforgivable Curses.
  • Humbug: Kills Santa Claus. Great torture device.

Formerly used spells

Wizardheimer appears to have retired these spells:

  • Marijuana: Magic Drugs effect. Dead/nonexistent/illegal.
  • Zabacabadabra: Transforms user into a green tile; learned from Jafar, but is never used due to being useless (outside of Tetris Attack).

Likes

  • Killing everything
  • Laughing all the way,HAHAHA!
  • Causing untold misery and strife
  • His magic wand; without it he's powerless
  • Destruction
  • Attacking Mario
  • Turning people into eggs
  • Putting people in his dungeon
  • Thrakkorzog (Was his roommate in college.)
  • Scaring Yoshi
  • Raping Yoshi
  • Scaraping Yoshi
  • Anal beads
  • Vibrating anal beads
  • Omelettes
  • Michael Jackson (Everyone does)
  • Maniac Mansion on the Nintendo Entertainment System.
Wizardheimer's deformed brother.

Dislikes

  • Unsatisfying anal beads
  • People knocking on his door
  • Toasters
  • Being called an eggface
  • Stone Luigi
  • Being anally raped by Luigi in the woods
  • Oogtar
  • Being renamed Kamek
  • Everyone, including you
  • Anyone who doesn't get his name right
  • The Purple Pervert
  • Unauthorized use of his copyrighted and patented spells

See Also

Trivia

  • He is responsible for creating Caterpillars, which were originally a brand of anal beads.
  • It's constantly argued if he claims he's named "Wizenheimer" or "Wizardheimer". For this sake, people just call him both.
  • Is a popular figure in YTPMVs.
  • He knows how to speak Spanish with a delightful Spanish accent.
  • He is from South Philadelphia, and learned all of his magic on the Philly streets.
  • He killed somebody once in Philly with his magic.
  • He recently became a human for some reason and actually helped Mario and his friends drive King Koopa out of Cumalot.
  • It is written, only he can defeat Mr. Koopas.
  • Wizardheimer was to appear in Mario Kart 64; however, he was rejected because he couldn't stop throwing the development staff into his dungeon, so he was replaced with Donkey Kong.
  • He's smarter than the average Koopa.
  • He's a member of the KKK.
  • In 1976, he resurrected Dry Bones with the Volvicia spell. He was resurrected because King Koopa needed troops.
  • In 1989, he sued Mama Luigi for unauthorized use of a de-aging spell and a mind-erasing spell, both of which he had created and patented in 1958, on Yoshi, so that she could revise history. The judge ruled in favour of Wizardheimer, and ruled that Mama Luigi must cease with the magic, and pay him $1295.31 in damages.
  • Has been mistaken for a Pokemon due to often stating his name.

Weaknesses

  • Viacom
  • Being jumped on
  • Dark, Bug, and Ghost attacks
  • Footballs to the noggin

Death

  • Wizardheimer was reported to have died at 9:26PM on May 19, 2009 when he was trying to send a hex to his arch rival. He got the pronunciation of the spell wrong, which caused his wand to explode, killing him, and injuring Iggy and Lemmy. Iggy and Lemmy were in critical condition, but stabilized, and have since been released from the hospital. I.M. Meen, his pupil, saved him with a bottle of Volvic Revive, and Wizardheimer once again ravages the world.
  • Wizardheimer was killed yet again shortly after creating Egg Luigi, when a stray football (Or was it a stone?) hit him. He also dropped his magic wand, and without it he's powerless, so he died. He was revived yet again, this time due to that lightning that strikes when he says "THAT'S WIZARDHEIMER!!" being summoned right over his grave.

Names He's Been Called

  • Wiseacre
  • Wizenheimer
  • Wizenwhatever
  • Wizenwhatchamacallit
  • Wizardwiseguy
  • Eggface
  • Wizardhymen
  • Kamek
  • Albus Dumbledore
  • Cody

Quotes

  • "Now! Plunge yourselves into that warp pipe!"
  • "How do ya feel about BOB-OMBS?"
  • "BOB-OMBS?"
  • "Welcome to the dungeon of my haunted house, plumb-scum!"
  • "Thats Wizardheimer! WIIIIIIIIIZARD-heimer!"
  • "Because, Im an eeeeevil Koopa Wizard!"
  • "I just LOVE to have people over to...HANG AROUND!"
  • "What do you want, you prehistoric punk?!"
  • "You ridiculous runt of a reptile!"
  • "Take THIS, lizard lips!"
  • "My magic wand! Ohhhhh...without it I'm powerless!"
  • "Give me that wand back, yoooouuuu green-faced glutton! ...YOW!"
  • "Hey, watch where you're going, YA EGGHEAD!"
  • "YOU ARE!"
  • "Sooo, what do you have to say NOW, egghead?"
  • "Nyeuhehehehuhuhuhuh!"
  • "THAT'S WWWWWWWIZARDHEIMER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER!!!!"
  • "I crown you, royal egghead!"
  • "Oh, fuck you, Luigi!"
  • "We're going to be two hundred million Hiroshima bombs from all!"
  • "Agent Egghead, go and kill!"