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Captain Falcon
From Chewiki Archive - YouChew:
1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas
This article is filed under Characters.Captain Falcon is from F-Zero. He likes to punch people with his trademark move, the Falcon Punch, which very rarely destroys a whole galaxy because otherwise, the elitist tourneyfags will complain. He is the third strongest creature in the universe. Also, he has actually been confirmed for Brawl SO MUCH...that it seems like he hasn't been confirmed at all. He also invented the FALGASM, which can smash even Hulk Hogan into pieces. And he's overused like no tommorow.
Captain Falcon currently holds the title of "Manliest Being in the World". He is also the only person who would not be obliterated by a Falcon Punch.
His racer, The Blue Falcon, also serves as a life-size model of his penis (which he calls the "Falcon Phoenis")
Captain Falcon's signature MOVES!
- Falcon Punch
- Falcon Kick
- Falcon Hug (usually used as a recovery MOVE!)
- Raptor Boost
- EYYYIIIH Flaming Roundhouse Kick (Dropped it in 2001)
- Erotic Shoulder Barge (Replacement for the above move)
- The Knee
- Downward Double Stomp
Captain Falcon's victims
- Hulk Hogan (Not even Hogan can stop the FALGASM!)
- Black Shadow (Obviously)
- Chuck Norris
- Ganon
- Greil
- Some bat guy from Mystic Knights
- King of Hyrule
- Superninja
- M.Bison
- Marth
- Captain Olimar
- Shadow the Hedgehog
- Brock Samson
- Blood Falcon
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Quotes
- "Black Shadow, it seems we are both going to the hell."
- "FALCON PUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
- "Falcon Kick!"
- "Yes! Yes!"
- "Show Me Ya Boobs!"
- "Come On!"
- "Blue Falcon!"
- "Yes!"
- "Show Me Ya Moobs!"
- "Show Me Ya Moo!"
- "Show Me Ya Moon!"
- "Show Me Ya Moose!"
- "Yaagh!!!"
- "Soviet Moods!"
- "Sodium Boobs!"
- "I AM TUROK!"
- "Of course not."
- "Yeah!"
- "Thank you. I couldn't have done it without my fans."
Trivia
- His parents are Ganondorf and Nana of the Ice Climbers.
- He once teamed up with M. Bison to try to defeat Dr. Robotnik and Fat Mario in the epic argument of the century.
- His favorite NFL team is the Atlanta Falcons because, well, it involves the fucking falcons, which he's a captain of. When his team lost to the Arizona Cardinals, he decided to Falcon Punch every single one of his fucking teammates.
- He accidently once ripped his pants when he tried to save a baby from a train.
- Whenever he intimidates M. Bison, he orgasms like there's no fucking tomorrow.
- His Blue Falcon was built by Arthur, who thought it was a model penis. He was right. In exchange, Captain Falcon taught Arthur how to do a Falcon Punch. Arthur later died from doing one.
- He plans on having a new F-Zero machine called the Neo Blue Falcon.
- He turns into Captain Falgiygas when his Falcon Punch collides with a Final Smash. (i.e., Marth's Limit Breaker and Ike's Great Aether.)
- He also did a Youtube Poop match with Abu5ername, a.k.a., Ike from the Fire Emblem series.
- Apparently, he's got AIDS. Thankfully, Captain Falcon responded to those accusations by saying that it was a lie created by Ike.
- He also apparently died when Link used his ocarina to make everything go back in time before Captain Falcon became Captain Falgiygas and Ike used a trap to negate his Falcon Punch and allowed him to summon his archrival Blood Falcon to trap him in his Blue Falcon and make him fall into a pit of lava. (Or is it magma?)
- He has a mind control trick where he can make any woman flash him just by saying "Show me your boobs!". Only Tsunade can resist it (Although Captain Falcon probably doesn't want to see her real boobs in the first place {maybe}).
- Has started a (somewhat) new fad where Mr. Zero asks Captain Falcon a question {i.e. "Will you allow us to see your face?"} and he says (and one time, does) something that saddens or mindfucks him and then, it plays very randomish music.
- Has a weird rivalry with Terry Bogard.
Alter Egos
- Chuck Norris
- Duke Nukem (Without His Guns, Such As AK-47's)
- Brock Samson
- That one guy from the Disturbed "Land of Confusion" music video.
- Turok
- Solid Snake
- M. Bison (Yes!, Yes!)
Captain Falcon's Ten Commandments
- Thou shalt not attack thy opponent without asking them to show you their moves, and/or to COME ON!
- Thou shalt not attack a taunt spammer, for they are the chosen people of the Captain, and are afforded his sacred protection. Do not harm them, lest you anger Captain Falcon.
- Thou shalt not bemoan the Captain's tier standing, and blame him for a loss. It was not Captain Falcon who was too weak, it was thou.
- Thou shalt always spam SHOW ME YA MOVES whenever the crowd chants for the Captain, as a sign of acknowledgement to all of his loyal fans. Thou shalt also spam this taunt if the camera is zoomed in on the Captain from a Tingle Assist Trophy.
- Thou shalt let any Kirby who wishes to inhale and copy the Falcon Punch do as he pleases. However, if thou is attacked by this Kirby, Captain Falcon's swift judgment must be delivered to him, as he has broken the sacred bond of Master and Pupil, and shall pay for his foolishness.
- Thou shalt not land a Falcon Punch or Knee of Justice without immediately asking thy opponent to show you their moves, unless thou has a chance to perform a Sacred Combo, in which case the taunt must be performed as soon as thou hast finished.
- Thou shalt respect thy father, Ganondorf, as thou would respect a fellow Captain Falcon.
- Thou shalt not allow a spammer to not show the Captain their moves if he has asked them to. If the spammer insists on using the same move, thy fury must be delivered swiftly and with good aim to the spammer until they agree to show the Captain the rest of their moves, or are killed.
- Thou shalt use the Falcon system of measurement.
- Thou shalt lead children along the path of the Falcon by showing them thy moves as capably as thou can, and leading them to believe that using Captain Falcon is the way to victory.
