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Sonic the Hedgehog
This article is filed under Characters.Sonic is the mascot for SEGA. Unlike most hedgehogs, who are known for hogging hedges, he is known for running very fast. That's it. Despite him having an incredibly unpleasable and indecisive fanbase, SuperYoshi has stated on various occasions that Sonic is his favorite actor to work with. Sonic is also a lot cooler and eats less swords than those pussies Shadow and Silver, instead preferring chili dogs.
Biography
- It was about this high, it was blue, and it looked like a freak. ~Anonymous policeman.
Sonic the Hedgehog (aka Sonico, Mr. Needlemouse, Cinos, (Dat) Hedgehog and other names) was born and raised in West Philadelphia until a couple of badniks, who were up to no good, started making trouble in Green Hill. He got in one little fight and Amy got scared and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Scrap Brain." He whistled for a cab and when it came near, he gave it the middle finger. If anything, he could have said that this cab was Tails, so he went "THAT'S NO GOOD."
He pulled up to Metropolis Zone at approximately 7 or 8 to claim his throne as the prince of the video game industry. Also throughout his entire career, Sonic has been in the porn industry, which has become very popular with his psycho fanbase. However, he will be friendly to you if you like him, but will hate you if you are obsessively attracted to him, want to touch him in a place or in a way that makes him feel uncomfortable, and/or look like Tails, Silver, Amy, Bean, or any other mound of crap.
Crimes
Is believed to have assassinated John Lennon. What a fag.
He killed Mario by ejaculating on him in super form. Sonic's semen was highly acidic and it destroyed Mario's skin.
Quotes
Sonic EXACTLY!
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Sonic LET'S SHIT!
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Sonic That's no good.
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Sonic You're too slow!
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Sonic URRNGH! I'm MasturBAAAAAAATIIIIIIING!!!
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Sonic Tails is just like a little kid with his new toy.
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Sonic SHUT UP TAILS!!!
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Sonic Too easy! Piece of cay-ache!
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Sonic SHIT! Let's go!
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Sonic He's just a piece o' cheesy hardware!
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Sonic Let's rock!
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Sonic Whatcha see is whatcha get! I'm just a guy who loves adventure! I'm Sonic the Hedgehog!!
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Sonic They might even open the gates of hell!
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Sonic Damn, they got away!
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Sonic Maybe I could've, but I didn't, didn't I?
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Sonic SPEED BREAK!!
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Sonic TIME BREAK!!
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Sonic I'm Sonic the Kidnapper!
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Sonic You might know everything I'm going to do, but that's not going to help you since I know everything you're going to do! STRANGE, ISN'T IT!?
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Sonic Hey! THAT'S MY LINE!
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Sonic Don't worry, I'll be out before you know it's funny.
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Sonic Whoops! Time to make a U-turn!
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Sonic I told you, I'm not a rat! I'm a HEDGEHOG!
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Sonic Hey, Kids! Strangers may offer you all sorts of things to get you to come with them, like movies, magical tickets, and a lot of other horseshit, but chances are that they're just trying to touch your bathing suit area, and that's no good!!! So if a stranger, especially Robert Prodsky tries to touch your chili dog, just get outta there!
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Sonic They can't live me up!
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Sonic See Korean, I told you we'd make it in the 'he did not meet the agent.'
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Sonic My brain, you know it going to die.
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Sonic Let's make like Eggman's hairline and recede!
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Sonic That tornado's carrying a car!
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Sonic Watch out, you're gonna crash. Aah!
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Sonic I'll just stick with "aliens", if that's okay with everybody.
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Sonic You have a problem learning how to read!
Likes
- Chili Dogs
- Princess Sally
- Amy Rose
- Breezie
- Freedom
- Tails
- Himself
- Relaxing
- Knuckles
- Being a DJ.
- Masturbating
- Tormenting Dr. Robotnik
- Namco (especially their Soulcalibur and Klonoa games)
- Tumble-dryers
- Hogging hedges
- Shopping for insurance at Progressive.
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Hates
- Water (unless it's in a glass)
- Swimming
- Robotnik
- Silver the Hedgehog
- SNK (Even though they collaborated at least once.)
- Chip
- Sonic Underground (He insists that DiC made it without his permission.)
- Shaymin
- People who think he's gay.
- Most of his fanbase (The psycho ones).
- Eggman's copyright laws.
People Who Like Him
- DaftPunkYoshi
- MegaGlassguy
- Amy Rose
- Princess Sally
- Sara
- Mario (sometimes)
- Ninja Coach Z
- Fiddlesticks411
- Maxillos79
- kingplatypus3rd (I'm very ashamed to be a part of the fanbase because of how awful it is.)
- Shahra
- Sackboy (Loves dressing up like Sonic and his friends.)
- Everyone who bought the game and enjoyed it.
- Cool people
- Heck, pretty much everybody in general.
- People who say they hate him.
People Who Hate Him
Sonic believes he is cool and popular, but there are actually quite a bit of people who have expressed disdain for him. Among those who have said they "hate that hedgehog":
- Dr. Robotnik
- Dr. Eggman
- Erazor Djinn
- Deedee from Dexter's Laboratory
- Shredder
- Grouchy Smurf
- Ozu
- Mr. Grumpy (duh!)
- Mr. Clean
- Shadow (In a rival hate way)
- Mario (the rest of the time)
- Classic Sonic fans (Again, unpleasable.)
- Adventure nazis (yup, it exists..)
- Solid Snake (though he can't explain why)
Trivia
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- He loves tumble dryers.
- Has a giant ego. No really.
- He is a pyromaniac.
- Believes that there's fire where there's smoke.
- He's trapped in there.
- He had a reputation of helping kids learn things about life in a short segment called Sonic Sez, although after an absurd confession to Tails, he lost it and decided to instead teach people about how sex and drugs are cool. Sonic Sez is now the most viewed show in the world, topping all of the existing charts, and being downloaded by billions every minute.
- He is a pervert.
- Has the power to go Super.
- He had an car accident in 1992 and his vocal chords had to be replaced. Without anything else, the doctors gave the vocal chords of a local black kid to him. He later got his own voice back though... and then Sega forced him to change it again. Oy.
- Has a brother called Awesome Possum.
- He can play guitar. If you're lucky he'll show you his Eddie Van Hedgehog impression.
- Lost a lot of weight between the Sega Genesis/Mega Drive and the Sega Dreamcast eras.
- He has a partnership with Tex Avery.
- Did he put a tube in his mouth? LMAO?
- He once called a male drug abusing rabbit a dyke.
- During his time in court, Sonic admitted he only lip synches the Sonic Underground songs and that it's Edd who does all the singing for him.
- If he masturbates too much he turns into his Werehog form, as seen in Sonic Unleashed. This form is filled with primal fury and an excess of guilt.
- Is now currently working in porno movies to help him get over his problems. (If only he knew that it'd make them even worse.)
- Was one of three video game characters to appear as a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade's balloon (the other was
MarioPikachu). Unfortunately, his balloon hit a pole and popped. - Might be related to Don Patch.
- May or may not be Aladdin.
- Also once used a sword for battle against the Black Knight.
- Recently had experience with Drug-carrying aliens. His fanbase seemed to enjoy it.
- Thankfully, he decided to go back to 2-D before it's too late for him.
- Shadow once stole his line. What's funny is that Sonic has never said the line in question throughout his entire life.
- He believes you can't catch him, at least not until the fall of '93.
- He cannot play baseball.
- His past self and current self will meet in the future... think about that, why don't ya.
- Recently went to Progressive for car insurance. For those wondering, yes, Sonic does own a car. In fact, he owns three race cars.
