Sonic the Hedgehog

This article is filed under Characters.

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THAT'S NO GOOD!

Sonic is the mascot for SEGA. Despite him having an incredibly unpleasable and indecisive fanbase, SuperYoshi has stated on various occasions that Sonic is his favorite actor to work with. Sonic is also a lot cooler and eats less swords than those pussies Shadow and Silver.

Biography

Sonic the Hedgehog (aka Sonico, Mr. Needlemouse, Cinos, Hedgehog and other names) was born and raised in West Philadelphia until a couple of badniks, who were up to no good, started making trouble in Green Hill. He got in one little fight and Amy got scared and said "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Scrap Brain." He whistled for a cab and when it came near, he gave it the middle finger. If anything, he could have said that this cab was Tails, so he went "THAT'S NO GOOD." He pulled up to Metropolis Zone at approximately 7 or 8 to claim his throne as the prince of the video game industry. Also throughout his entire career, Sonic has been in the porn industry...Yep...Look it up anywhere, I ain't lyin...

Crimes

Sonic becomes A MAN in his Super form.

Is believed to have assassinated John Lennon. What a fag.

He killed Mario by ejaculating on him in super form. Sonic's semen was so acidic, it destroyed Mario's skin.

Quotes

• EXACTLY!
• LET'S SHIT!
• That's no good.
• You're too slow!
• URRNGH! I'm MasturBAAAAAAATIIIIIIING!!!
  

  Sonic just realizing something.
• Tails is just like a little kid with his new toy.
• SHUT UP TAILS!!!
• Too easy! Piece of cay-ache!
• SHIT! Let's go!
• He's just a piece o' cheesy hardware!
• Let's rock!
• Whatcha see is whatcha get! I'm just a guy who loves adventure! I'm Sonic the Hedgehog!!
• They might even open the gates of hell!
• Damn, they got away!
• Maybe I could've, but I didn't, didn't I?
• SPEED BREAK!!
• TIME BREAK!!
• I'm Sonic the Kidnapper!
• You might know everything I'm going to do, but that's not going to help you since I know everything your going to do! Strange isn't it?!
• Hey! THAT'S MY LINE!

• Whoops! Time to make a U-turn!
• I told you, I'm not a rat! I'm a HEDGEHOG!
• Hey, Kids! Strangers may offer you all sorts of things to get you to come with them, like movies, magical tickets, and a lot of other horseshit, but chances are that they're just trying to touch your bathing suit area, and that's no good!!! So if a stranger, especially Robert Prodsky tries to touch your chili dog, just get outta there!

Likes

• Amy Rose
• Freedom
• Chili Dogs
• Tails
  

  Sonic before Sonic Shuffle.
• Himself
• Relaxing
• Knuckles
• Being a DJ.
• Masturbating
• Tormenting Dr. Robotnik
• Namco (especially their Soulcalibur and Klonoa games)
• Tumble-dryers
• Hogging hedges

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Hates

• Water (unless it's in a glass)
  • Swimming
• Robotnik
• Silver the Hedgehog
• SNK (Even though they collaborated at least once.)
• Chip
• Sonic Underground (He insists that DiC made it without his permission.)
• Shaymin
• People who think he's gay.
• His unpleasable fanbase.

People Who Like Him

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Sonic with one of his fanboys.

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Sonic The Hedgehog during his 18th Birthday.

• DaftPunkYoshi
• Amy Rose
• Mario (sometimes)
• Ninja Coach Z
• Shahra
• Everyone who bought the game and enjoyed it.
• Cool people
• Heck, pretty much everybody in general.
• People who say they hate him.

People Who Hate Him

Sonic believes he is cool and popular, but there are actually quite a bit of people who have expressed disdain for him. Among those who have said they "hate that hedgehog":

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• Dr. Robotnik
• Dr. Eggman
• Erazor Djinn
• Deedee from Dexter's Laboratory
• Grouchy Smurf
• Ozu
• Mr. Grumpy (duh!)
• Mr. Clean
• Shadow (In a rival hate way)
• Mario (the rest of the time)
• Classic Sonic fans (Remember what I said about them being unpleasable?)
• Solid Snake (though he can't explain why)

Trivia

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An artist's common rendition of Sonic.

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• He loves tumble dryers.
• Has a giant ego. No really.
• He is a pyromaniac.
• Believes that there's fire where there's smoke.
• He's trapped in there.
• He had a reputation of helping kids learn things about life in a short segment called Sonic Sez, although after an absurd confession to Tails, he lost it and decided to instead teach people about how sex and drugs are cool. Sonic Sez is now the most viewed show in the world, topping all of the existing charts, and being downloaded by billions every minute.
• He is a pervert.
• Has the power to go Super.
• He had an car accident in 1992 and his vocal chords had to be replaced. Without anything else, the doctors gave the vocal chords of a local black kid to him. He later got his own voice back though... and then Sega forced him to change it again. Oy.
• Has a brother called Awesome Possum.
• He can play guitar. If you're lucky he'll show you his Eddie Van Hedgehog impression.

The list of sequals Sonic The Hedgehog has done.

• Lost a lot of weight between the Sega Genesis/Mega Drive and the Sega Dreamcast eras.
• He has a partnership with Tex Avery.
• Did he put a tube in his mouth? LMAO?
• He once called a male drug abusing rabbit a dyke.
• During his time in court, Sonic admitted he only lip synches the Sonic Underground songs and that it's Edd who does all the singing for him.
• If he masturbates too much he turns into his Werehog form, as seen in Sonic Unleashed. This form is filled with primal fury and an excess of guilt.
• Is now currently working in porno movies to help him get over his problems. (If only he knew that it'd make them even worse.)
• Was one of two video game characters to appear as a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade's balloon (the other was Mario Pikachu).
• Might be related to Don Patch.
• May or may not be Aladdin.
• Also once used a sword for battle against the Black Knight.
• Thankfully, he decided to go back to 2-D before it's too late for him.