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Ronald Reagan
This article is filed under Characters.Ronald Wilson Reagan (February 6, 1911 - June 5, 2004) was our 40th United States President, and the root of America turning into a shining mountain of shit who nevertheless gets portrayed by Republicans as "a man of strong morals".
Beginning Careers
Prior to entering politics, Reagan was a mediocre, B-list actor whose biggest role was acting with a monkey. But even if you're a mediocre actor, Hollywood still trains you to be extremely likable and charismatic, no matter how fundamentally repulsive you are. Reagan exemplified this as he went to politics, as he espoused repugnant ideology in a humorous, appealing manner.
Presidency
Reagan was eventually sworn into office and inaugurated in 1981. The "Gipper," as he was unofficially called, dozed off immediately as all of his corrupt aides did the work for him. In the years that followed, Reagan not only dealt with issues such as how to give rich people more money and how to completely ignore the health crisis that plagued the gay community, but also faced the "evil empire" of the Soviet Union.
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In Reagan's second term, the Cold War was heating up more than ever, with Soviet expansion placing threats on neighboring countries. Through constant determination and stubborn attitude, Reagan challenged new Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down his pants.
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Death and Legacy
Reagan had Alzheimer's in his later years, seeing his already minimal brainpower diminish even further. He did the first good thing in his life by dying on June 5, 2004, at his residence in the Bel Air neighborhood in Los Angeles.
Reagan's legacy is setting the framework for America to become a capitalistic hellhole dominated by the rich, with his kindly public image normalizing such policies, convincing countless people that said policies actually help the country. He likewise normalized all kinds of bigotries in the name of "law and order" and "religious freedom". The way he built this cult paved the way for Donald Trump, who makes no attempt to appear likable and is upfront in his bigotry - but because Reagan already persuaded these people, Trump doesn't need to be subtle.
Republicans continue to see Reagan as a deity, among them former Arkansas governor and current bigot Mike Huckabee. Huckabee would create a Learn Our History series of educational videos that would spoonfeed children how much of a saint Reagan was with laughably bad dialogue and CGI. These videos would lead to the second good thing Reagan did, years after his death, in serving as the inspiration for Whelt's YouTube Poop Ronald Reagan votes for the Communist Party (seen to the right). This iteration of him became featured on YouChew Trading Card #40.
Quotes
Ronald Reagan Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!
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Ronald Reagan Mr. Gorbachev, tear down my pants!
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Ronald Reagan
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Ronald Reagan
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Ronald Reagan All great change in America begins at the dinner table.
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Ronald Reagan I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
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Ronald Reagan I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.
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Ronald Reagan One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
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Ronald Reagan Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards. If you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.
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Ronald Reagan Hey dudes. Thanks for rescuing me. Now let's go for a burger. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
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Ronald Reagan My fellow citizens, I utterly reject God.
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Ronald Reagan If we ever forget that we are one nation under money, then we will be one nation under ZE NAZI PARTY!!!
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Ronald Reagan If we ever forget that we are one nation, then we will be two nations.
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Ronald Reagan A recession is when your neighbor loses your money. A depression is when you lose your neighbors' money. A recovery is when you give me your money!
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Ronald Reagan Welcome to the Cafe '80s, where it's always morning in America, even in the after-no-oo-oo-oo-n!
Trivia
- His favourite candy was Jelly Belly jellybeans. At every White House metting, he would even have a bowl of then set out.
- His favourite flavour of jellybean was liquorice.
- Was once kidnapped by ninjas. However, he was rescued from said ninjas by two bad enough dudes to rescue him.
- After returning to the White House, he took said dudes out for a burger.
- He once voted for the Communist party.
- Ronald has stated that he utterly rejects God.
- Huey Freeman thinks that Ronald Reagan was the Devil. He's not wrong.
- He is the 6th greatest cumslut in the history of the U.S. presidency.
