Heavy Weapons Guy

This article is filed under Characters.

Heavy Weapons Guy, or Heavy for short, is a fat, bald, maniacal Slavic man. He usually gets pissed when somebody touches his gun/lover/masturbatory aid, Sasha. He has yet to meet someone who can outsmart a bullet and enjoys massacring thousands of people. In and out of battles he pays hookers to let him beat them up.

Cultural Heritage: Russian

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BOOLET.

Arsenal

Basic

• Sasha: His trademark Minigun he once used to keep thousands from getting over the Berlin Wall. Approach with caution.
• Shotgun: His other gun. Used on weekends for hunting quail with the Medic. Used on weekdays for hunting leetle babeh men.
• Fists: Used for punching the tiny faces of his foes in. The latest Cyborg technology has given him the ability to fire lethal bullets from his fingers.

Update

• Natascha: Though not as powerful as Sasha, it slows down his opponents, which could make them easier kills. Replaces Sasha.
• Sandvich: The delicious deli product with a Slavic accent! Used for healing himself and general dickery in matches. Replaces the Shotgun.
• Killing Gloves of Boxing (KGB): Not to be mistaken for the Soviet Secret Service's initials, these gloves give the Heavy's Fists an extra "kick".

Relationships

Heavy is in mad love with his weapons, especially Sasha, though he occasionally cheats on her by switching to Natascha for dealing with those pesky Scouts. He is best buddies of the Medic, though many believe their friendship goes beyond that. His worst enemy is the Scout who always tries to steal his sandwiches for himself, the pig!

Quotes

Heavy Oh my god, who touched Sasha? Alright... WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!?

Heavy I am heavy weapons guy. AND THIS, is my weapon.

Heavy Some people think they can outsmart me....maybe *sniff* maybe.... I have yet to meet one that can outsmart BULLET.

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WHO TOUCHED MY GUN!

Heavy HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CRY SOME MORE

Heavy MEDIC

Heavy It costs 400,000 dollars to fire this weapon...for 12 seconds.

Heavy MEDIIIIC

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The Heavy Weapons Guy laughs at the Scout's pitiful attempt at advertising.

Heavy DOCTAR

Heavy I LOVE THIS DOCTAR!

Heavy OM NOM NOM OM NOM

Heavy YATATATATATATATATATDODODODUDUDADADADA KABOOM! KABOOM!

Heavy I HEAR SOMEONE BUILDING DIAPER CHANGING STATION!

Heavy WHAT WAS THAT SANDVICH? KILL THEM ALL? GOOD IDEA! AHAHAHAHAHA!

Trivia

• It is rumoured that he may be having an affair with Natascha.
• It is also rumored that he may be in a relationship with the Soldier.
• It is confirmed that he has a grandson, which is the main character of Quake 2.
• Robbed a Mcdonalds once for their McGriddles.
• Sasha was also raped by the Scout when he took her out for a steak dinner.
• Leon, one of the Heavy's rivals, knows a way to outsmart his bullet, though he believes it's a lie.
• Has a Medic fetish.
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  Heavy Weapons Guy laughing at the clowns in a circus.
• Has yet to meet one who can outsmart bullshit
• Was once killed by Gordon Freeman
• Works part-time at a deli to help pay the rent/steal sandwiches.
• Whenever he becomes pissed off about someone saying something negative about Sandvich (Mostly Scout), he has a magic (hacking) ability to make a few Sandviches turn into a Sandvich Gun!!! It allowes him to fire random Sandviches from his Sandvich Gun, and when he's satisfied, he actually eats his Sandvich Gun!!!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
• His bullets are smarter than him.
• He is one of the few people to obtain a Promotion.
• Being punched by his fists is similar to being hit by the following: an Axe, a Shovel, a Bottle (broken or not), A Bonesaw, a Wrench and a Kukri.
• It is believed that Heavy actually scared someone with the sandvich by putting an evil grin on it.
• He has the same voice actor as the Demoman.

See Also

• Team Fortress 2
• Sandvich
• First Heavy Weapons Guy poop ever.
• Heavy Weapons Guy and his trademark laugh.