Medic

This article is filed under Characters.

Overview

The medic is the man who you spam the E button with that never shows up to heal you. One of the 9 classes from the first person shooter PC game, Team Fortress 2. He originates from the country known as Germany, which automatically makes him a Nazi. Some weapons used by the doc is the Medigun (healing dying fags), a gun that shoots syringes, and the bone saw that will cut THROUGH YOUR PUNY SPINE.

Arsenal

Basic

• Syringe Gun: Fires syringes full of some deadly compound, likely cyanide or arsenic.
• Medigun: A wondrous portable device that allows him to heal his allies (and Spies), even up to 150% their normal health. Healing allies builds up the medic's "Ubercharge". When fully charged, it can be activated to make the Medic and the ally temporarily invincible, allowing the team opportunity to advance through enemy lines. How this wonderful healing technology works is still in question, but the better question is why these aren't being mass-produced for hospitals?
• Bonesaw: The perfect tool for amputation and replacing a violin.

Update

• Blutsauger: Replaces the Syringe Gun, when the needles hit the opponent, it somehow heals the Medic. Recommended for the more aggressive "Battle-Medic".
• KritzKrieg: Replacing the Medigun, it heals the same way the Medigun would, though when charged instead of invulnerability it gives the healed ally critical hits throughout the charge. Oh, I get it! Kritz, Crits...yeah.
• Ubersaw: The perfect tool for amputation and replacing a viola and giving 25% Ubercharge for every cut he makes and replacing the Bonesaw.

History

In his early days, the young Medic always aspired to be a doctor, especially since he first heard of the spread of a new breed of disease known as AIDS in Africa. After graduating with high honors from Cambridge and Medical School, he found himself without anywhere to go or anyway to fulfill his destiny, until he came across an advertisement for the Ready Excavation and Demolition team (Or RED team for short), which was in dire need of medical personnel. Thinking it would be a temporary job that would help fund his eventual career in Africa, he signed on.

His job quickly became tedious. For most of the day he was assigned to heal other members of RED, while to his surprise, they killed members of a rival faction known as Builder's League United (or BLU Team) for reasons that were never explained to him. He couldn't just leave at his will thanks to a mismatching contract, so he was stuck.

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Here we see the Medic seducing the Heavy to have sexual intercourse with him.

At first it seemed easy just sitting behind someone while they acted as his sword and shield, healing them with a strange device they dubbed the "Medigun." Until the day the Medic healed what appeared to be an ordinary RED Pyro. In an instant, the supposed Pyro transformed into a blue-colored masked man in a suit who back-stabbed a Soldier, killing him instantly. The Medic stopped healing and watched in horror as his team, oblivious to what was going on, went down; A Sniper, a Demoman, an Engineer. The Medic panicked and ran, not knowing what to do or how to fight back. The man was almost in his reach when suddenly there was a loud mechanical noise, and the man was filled with bullet-holes and now lay dead.

The Medic was saved in the form of a burly Slavic man known as the Heavy Weapons Guy, and with a cheery grin helped up the shaken doctor, before yelling "MEDIC!" After that, he realized he never grabbed his assigned weapons (A syringe gun and a bonesaw), and was told he could work towards better weapons by working hard, but as most players did he farmed for them, the dick.

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Stephen Colbert dreams of the day he can become medic.

As the years went by, the Heavy and Medic became best friends on the harsh battlefields in public servers, both surviving through many a battle such as The Battle of 2Fort, The Dust Bowl, and The Gold Rush. The Heavy was a skilled killer, and with his monster of a gun, dubbed "Sasha", together they made an excellent pair, or as Heavy preferred it, a trio. The Heavy, though never too bright, was always willing to listen to what the Medic had to say. One night the Medic confessed his hatred of the pointless fighting, and his aspirations to become a field doctor in Africa and find a cure to AIDS. The Heavy understood, and merely said, "You are great doctor," and immediately dozed off.

His opportunity finally came to him when he found out he was being deployed on cp_egypt, where he realized he would have no other chance like this. He thanked all of his comrades for the times they gave him, and he fled the battlefield and headed towards the savannas to the South. Though his team was sad to see him leave, he was immediately replaced by a doctor who looked exactly like him in every way.

Today he is now in Kenya, as a field doctor working towards finally finding a cure for AIDS and helping Africans, despite Mama Luigi's attempts to stop him.

Quotes

• "Sie Teleporter goes here!"
• "Prepare for your examination!"
• "Sie Spy ist a Double Nigger Agent!"
• "You Are... STUPID!!"
• "Oops! Zat was not medicine!"
• "Dunca...Jerkoff."

Trivia

• He's from the town of Stuttgart, which is currently controlled by a reincarnated Hitler and Ludwig Von Koopa.
• Once acted in a German porno involving two puppies.
• He has found the cure to the common cold.
• Sponsored by the Nazi government.
• Is madly in love with the Heavy Weapons Guy.
• Once had gay sex with the Spy. The Medic only did it as he thought the Spy was Heavy, until after the incident had occurred. When questioned all the Medic had to say was "The Heavy is a Spy!"
• Was tricked into healing Barack Obama at one point.
• He likes to thank hard hatted friends for their good work.
• He was voted homecoming King in High School and his Queen was Zelda.
• Has the same voice actor as Travis Touchdown from the No More Heroes games.