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Cranky Kong

From Chewiki Archive - YouChew: 1% Funny, 99% Hot Gas

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Name: Cranky Kong
Appears In: Donkey Kong Country
Sex: Male
Occupation(s): Being an old fag that could die at any moment. Also, guy who gives great advice.
Played By: Aaron Tager/Ryūsei Nakao

CharNice.jpg This article is filed under Characters.

This article talks about the former Donkey Kong, who's now called Cranky Kong. For the Donkey Kong that was known as Donkey Kong Jr. in the 1980s (when arcades were at their prime), but is now called Donkey Kong, then click here.

Cranky Kong is an old ape who was originally the Donkey Kong from the old NES times. However, due to the advancements in technology (especially in video games), he's been here only in case you're a retard and can't figure anything out at all.


  • His old Donkey Kong games.
  • The good old days (the '80s).
  • Helping out his retarded son and his retarded friends.
  • Making people get out of his sight.
  • Playing his phonograph
  • Being a DJ when he gets the chance.
  • Yelling "DONKEY KONG!!!"
  • Sleep
  • Breaking the fourth wall in his universe.
  • Making fun of you.
  • SCIENCE!!!
  • Good, old fashioned erections


  • These new (Donkey Kong) games with their damn graphics that makes them acting like they were movies.
    • Any console made after 1989.
  • The 1990s, as well as the 21st Century.
  • Donkey Kong for being a retard.


  • "You're only reading this because you're bored!"
  • "Look!...Look at this!...As I rock, my beard swings! Waste of frames in my opinion!"
  • "So let's see what nonsense they've made up for this game, shall we? Hmm... well, I have to hand it to them. This time they've managed to come up with a decent storyline that doesn't involve the usual golden bananas. Only joking kids! This one's worse than all the previous efforts put together! I know you probably aren't expecting a best seller, but wait till you hear this load of rubbish..."
  • "All right. If you somehow get back safely from this and bring back that good-for-nothing Donkey with you, I'll admit that maybe you have what it takes after all. But if you don't there will never be more than cheap cameo roles for you in the future, my boy."
  • "DONKEY KONG!!!"
  • "They can't keep this level of graphics up for much longer! We used to be lucky if we only got three shades of grey, let alone any real colors!"
  • "What am I doing in this contraption? I've got an air-head airline pilot and a couple of knuckleheads guarding the Crystal Coconut."
  • "I can't believe you're still reading this! What you need is a good trashing!"
  • "Tough luck kid. I've been told to keep my mouth shut, as they want to keep all the good stuff for a money-making strategy guide. I'm sure some of it will appear on the newfangled 'internet' thing as well, so I suggest you take a look-see there. You could also ask your friends, assuming of course you've got any. If all else fails, you'll just have to play better."
  • "Tired of me? You're lucky I'm here to brighten up this boring manual!"
  • "The best switch is the one on top of your N64, as you can turn off your silly 3-D adventure and let me get some sleep."
  • "Copy?! Who'd want to copy this game?"
  • "Someone sure has a vivid imagination! I've been everywhere and I can tell you that none of these places actually exist!"
  • "Let me know if you find a bananaport that can take me out of this sorry game, and I'll be there in a flash."
  • "Arrrrgh! This story's even worse than Donkey Kong Country's."
  • "A good old fashioned erection!!"


  • He knows why things are mysterious. His reason is because no one knows who made mysterious things in the first place.
  • During the golden era of the arcades (the 1980s), he, along with Mario, Luigi, and his son Donkey Kong Jr. would be in the crowds for Punch Out!! and Super Punch Out!! in the arcades. This knowledge of Punch Out!! for Donkey Kong (Jr.) would end up getting him on a spot in the most recent Punch Out!! video game.
  • Ever since Donkey Kong 64, he's been obsessed with science.
  • He was the one who kidnapped Pauline! Not Donkey Kong!!
  • He also has a wife named Wrinkly. However, ever since the ending of Donkey Kong Country 3, she has been dead. Yet for some strange reason, she still helps out others. Weird, isn't it?

Arrrrgh! This article's even worse than Donkey Kong Country's.