Squidward Tentacles

This article is filed under Characters.

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Squidward the cutie-pie. So innocent. :3

Squidward is a six-armed octopus who lives under the sea with his neighbors, Spongebob, Patrick, and Sidney Crosby. He has worked the full-time register at the Krusty Krab for over thirty thousand years, despite hating everyone around him, and secretly grows marijuana in his basement. He also sports a variety of musical instruments, but prefers to excerise his sexual tendencies with them as opposed to actually play them.

Squidward is also a chronic diabetic, and a carrier of the Avian Flu. He was once a harborer of over fifteen STDs but survived by cutting his genitals off.

Squidward had also attained (forced) meme status at the YouChewPoop forums under the name Skidward from an old thread of the same name started by MrGenericMan.

History

Squidward was born on July 31st, 1931 to siamese parents. From an early age, he showed a heavy interest in music and substance abuse. He spent days at a time dabbling in both of these hobbies, and created his first symphony at the age of six. Short on money, his parents often loaned him out to band directors and hairy fetishists.

In 1941, he father listed in the war and inevitably took his mother with him, and they both died in the Dresden Bombing. The then-orphaned Squidward set out on his own to see the world. Much to his chagrin, however, his parents wished to have themselves buried with all their money, and Squidward was left without a cent to his name. Consequently, he never left Bikini Bottom. In an attempt to get by, Squidward pawned off all of his possessions, liquidated his shares of uctions, and actually boarded with Nigel Thornberry for several years. Nigel was, at the time, filming an undersea expedition. Things went well for awhile, but starting getting patchy when Nigel began to harvest Squidward's internal organs while he slept.

In 1976, Squidward was hired off the street by Mr. Krabs, and became the first and only cashier of the then-fledgling Krusty Krab restaurant. The money began to roll in, and he was finally able to buy a home and concentrate on his sexual fetishes, as well as his clarinet, which to this day he is absolutely terrible at playing. He now lives in an Easter Island head, and still works at the Krusty Krab, despite never getting a single raise in the thirty-odd years he's worked there.

Recently, Mr. Krabs turned the restaurant into a hotel called the Krusty Towers, where Squidward was forced to work as a bellhop and reluctantly fulfill the demands of the guests. He eventually quit his job and then ironically vacationed there to make Mr. Krabs fulfill his ridiculous requests, such as making cookies like his mother. One day in October 2009, though, Squidward blew up the Krusty Towers simply by ringing the bell. And that was the end of the Musty Skyscrapers.

Likes

• His clarinet.
• Being all... alooooooone...
• Alone...
• Alone...
• Alone...
• Sexually pleasing himself with his clarinet.
• His own jokes.
• Pie
• Expensive, stinky, imported cheese (especially bad Italian provolone).
• Canned bread

Dislikes

• Spongebob Squarepants
• Patrick Star
• Mr. Krabs
• Sandy Cheeks
• Pearl Krabs
• His own job and life.
• Bombs
• The terrible man-eating clam in the backyard.
• When Patrick destroys his cheese.

Quotes

• "Thank you, thank you."
• "I've finally found a place where I can be all.... aloooooooone."
• "Does this look unsure to you?
• "What do I have to do, eat one out of the garbage?"
• "I just had to say garbage. But, OKAY!"
• "IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!"
• "Eh-ha, eh-ha, eh-ha."
• "Horseradish isn't an instrument either!"
• "AAH! THAT WOULD BE MY BAND!"
• "OH NO, HE'S HOT!"
• "Barnacle head."
• "Future... future..."
• "They couldn't tell an oboe from an elbow! Heh-heh. Elbow."
• "Yes, Spongebob, I have finished those errands."
• "I'll give him 11 minutes."
• "Oh, look! It's me, SpongeBob, right here in the open!"
• "[SpongeBob] is not in my thoughts." (Think again!)

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Squirdward is unamused with this article.

Usage

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Squidward was more prevalent in YouTube Poop before Viacom started cracking down heavily on the unauthorized usage of Spongebob-related material. However, as aforementioned, he has attained meme status via the "Does this look unsure to you?" image as well as through the aptly-titled "Squidward" video on YouTube.