Medic

This article is filed under Characters.

A picture of the Medic.

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Auf Wiedersehen, Liebchen.

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Here we see the Medic seducing the Heavy to have sexual intercourse with him.

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Overview

The medic is the man who you spam the E button with that never shows up to heal you. One of the 9 classes from the first person shooter PC game, Team Fortress 2. He originates from the country of (West) Germany, specifically in the town of Stuttgart. Some weapons used by the doc is the Medigun (healing dying fags), a gun that shoots syringes, and the bone saw that will SAW THROUGH YOUR BONES.

Though the Medic was originally enlisted in the Peace Corps. for deployment somewhere in Africa, but due to a technicality he found himself deployed with the RED team on cp_well in the middle of a huge battle, and has been trying to get himself out of it. However, after befriending the Heavy Weapons Guy, he decided to stay with them.

Arsenal

Basic

• Syringe Gun: Fires syringes full of some deadly compound, likely cyanide or arsenic.
• Medigun: A wondrous portable device that allows him to heal his allies (and Spies), even up to 150% their normal health. Healing allies builds up the medic's "Ubercharge". When fully charged, it can be activated to make the Medic and the ally temporarily invincible, allowing the team opportunity to advance through enemy lines. How this wonderful healing technology works is still in question, but the better question is why these aren't being mass-produced for hospitals?
• Bonesaw: The perfect tool for amputation and replacing a violin.

Update

• Blutsauger: Replaces the Syringe Gun, when the needles hit the opponent, it somehow heals the Medic. Recommended for the more aggressive "Battle-Medic".
• KritzKrieg: Replacing the Medigun, it heals the same way the Medigun would, though when charged instead of invulnerability it gives the healed ally critical hits throughout the charge. Oh, I get it! Kritz, Crits...yeah.
• Ubersaw: The perfect tool for amputation and giving 25% Ubercharge for every cut he makes and replacing the Bonesaw.
• Quick-Fix: Replaces the Medigun and is in fact a prototype of it. Although it does not provide invincibility, it does heal at three times the normal rate and any movement-impairing effects are nullified on Ubercharge. It also has the inexplicable power of making the Medic run as fast as his heal target...wait...Scout and Medic...Oh crap.
• Solemn Vow: Replaces the Bonesaw. This bust of Hippocrates contains the mysterious ability to show the Medic the health of his enemies. If that's too good for you, let me tell you that you need EIGHT Jarates and some metal to make this (and don't tell me how that works either!). It says "Do No Harm" on it as well. Oh the irony!
• Overdose: Replaces the Syringe Gun and is in fact a prototype of it. This model is linked to the medical pack giving movement speed increase based on the amount of Ubercharge you have...up to 10% maximum.

Community

• Vita-Saw: Replaces the Bonesaw. This needle-like saw retains 20% of a Medic's ubercharge when he's killed. Surprise headshots or backstabs before unleashing an ubercharge won't be so humiliating now.
• Crusader's Crossbow: Replaces the Syringe Gun. Now long distance healing is possible, as the bolts heal teammates and are more lethal to enemies at great distances. There's few bolts though so use sparingly.
• Amputator: Replaces the Bonesaw. A taunt magically heals your teammates, but keep the room clear of enemies to avoid dying mid-taunt.

Event

• Saxxy: Replaces the Bonesaw. Only a select few received this coveted statuette of good old Saxton said to have been carved by King Midas/Sauron specially for the Saxxy Awards replay contest. Now MORE people are turning their enemies into gold and holding bragging rights!

Special Note: When the Medic wields the Crusader's Crossbow, the Amputator, and a hat called the Berliner's Bucket Helm, the Medic regenerates health.

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Stephen Colbert dreams of the day he can become medic.

Quotes

• "Sie Teleporter goes here!"
• "Prepare for your examination!"
• "Sie Spy ist a Double Nigger Agent!"
• "You Are... SCHTUPID!!"
• "Oops! Das vas not medicine!"
• "Danke, dumköpfe."
• "Sie healing ist not as rewarding as sie hurting!"
• "You are trying my patience!"
• "Vunderbach!"
• "Vould you like a second opinion? You are also UGLY!"
• "Jawohl."
• "OKTOBERFEST!!!"
• "Welcome to the "we lose once again" fest..."
• "Zis is UNACCEPTABLE!"
• "I AM SIE ÜBERMENSCH!"
• "'Ello, fräuleins!"

Trivia

• Once acted in a German porno involving two puppies.
• He has found the cure to the common cold.
• He's got mad dancing skillz, as seen in the video to the right.
• Is madly in love with the Heavy Weapons Guy.
• Despite this, he apparently has a wife, according to the Demoman. However, this can be ignored because the Demoman is always drunk, and thus is an unsuitable source of information.
• Once had gay sex with the Spy. The Medic only did it as he thought the Spy was Heavy, until after the incident had occurred. When questioned all the Medic had to say was "The Heavy is a Spy!"
• He likes to thank hard hatted friends for their good work.
• During World War II, the Medic served in the Heer of the Wehrmacht on the eastern front as a, well, medic.
• He was voted homecoming King in High School and his Queen was Zelda.
• Has the same voice actor as Travis Touchdown from the No More Heroes games.
• Enjoys festivals and going to them (His favourite being Oktoberfest), with the exception of the We-Lose-Once-Again Fest.
• Heavy won't let him do anything.
• Keeps a whole flock of doves as pets. One of them is suitably named Archimedes.
• Is the übermensch.

The Medic and his wife at dinner.