Shaquille O'Neal

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  Shaquille O'Neal is a Rapper, but not a good one.

Shaquille O'Neal (Or Shaq for short.) is a tall ass guy who played for five teams. He started out with the Orlando Magic, then he played with Kobe Bryant in what some called his best stint with the Los Angeles Lakers. He would win three straight championships with him. After he feuded with him due to contract extensions, he would go to Miami to play with Dwayne Wade and the Miami Heat. He would end up winning a championship with him as well, but the cost would be him being injured. It looked like all hope was lost for the big guy until he got traded to the Phoenix Suns. During his time with Phoenix, he would get the best stuff in his entire career, including an All-Star MVP award to share with Kobe Bryant. However, the price to be paid for that was him missing the playoffs (even though they were really, really close) for the second time ever (first was his rookie year). With that, the Phoenix Suns decided to trade him to Cleveland for a chance to play with LeBron James and probably win a 5th championship. Will he do it? No, because his team lost to Boston, who ended up losing to the L.A. Lakers. BITCH!!! Oh well, he still has two more years for his revenge because he ironically joined the Boston Celtics for two years. However, the contract didn't get fulfilled because he retired one year afterwords due to a humiliating defeat by the bitch trio of the Miami Heat and horrible injuries. Too bad, but hey, at least he'll bring out his shenanigans to TNT along with Charles Barkley. Apparently, their time together resulted in them getting a competition between the two for who could create the best young team between them. Shaq looks like he has the advantage due to him getting Blake Griffin, Jeremy Lin(sanity), Ricky Rubio, and Markieff (nicknamed Marquis by Shaq himself) Morris on the same team (to the point of even calling himself the black Pat Riley), but Sir Charles and Kyrie Irving ended up killing his team 145-133.

He used to be the 5th best scorer of all-time. Now, he's 6th best. He was once tripped by Larry David.

He is also not the real Superman, contrary to popular belief. Dwight Howard is the real one.

His Time As A Rapper

Back when people considered Shaq to be the second coming of Jesus Christ, people felt that he should able to become a musician. Unfortunately, Shaq took the public media's advice and he decided to create a few rap CD's. His first CD, called "Shaq Diesel" (It's another one of his many nicknames.) surprisingly got a double-platinum success. It featured Def Jam, Phife Dawg, and Fu-Schnikens. His first (and most popular) single called "(I Know I Got) Skillz" (Which had Def Jam on a verse.) just as surprisingly fared as well as his CD, which was #35 on the Billboard Hot 100 and #3 on the Hot Rap Singles. His second (and last) single from this CD, "I'm Outstanding" didn't fare as well as his first single, but it still had decent success.

A year after releasing the first CD, he released another CD called "Shaq-Fu: The Return." While it failed to have the same success as "Shaq Diesel" (Probably due to the fact that he named his CD after a shitty video game made published by EA {Yeah that's right, EA made published one of the worst games of all time.}.), it still did well enough to get a platinum. "Shaq-Fu: The Return" featured much better guys in Redman, Method Man, and RZA (All of which were from the Wu-Tang Clan.), but it still had unknown fuckers like Ill Al Skratch, Mr. Ruffneck, and General Sha. It's first single, "Biological Didn't Bother," did almost as well as "I'm Outstanding," but it didn't do any better than it. The second (and last) single, "No Hook" (Which featured both Method Man & RZA.), did even worse than "Biological Didn't Bother," and "No Hook" had two really popular rappers on that song too.

Two years after "Shaq-Fu: The Return" was released, he decided to return with "You Can't Stop the Reign". Thankfully, the public realized what bad rapping skills he had, and his "Reign" stopped in rapping, because it went gold instead of platinum. Surprisingly, he had a lot of rappers on it, including The Notorius B.I.G. (R.I.P.), Jay-Z, Rakim, DJ Quik, Mobb Deep, and Lord Tariq. Unfortunetly, it still had its unknown people and even worse, most of the tracks were just collaborations instead of Shaq-exclusive tracks. The "Reign's" first single, "You Can't Stop the Reign" (Featuring The Notorius B.I.G. {R.I.P.}), did really bad. The "Reign's" second (and last) single, "Straight Playin'" (Featuring DJ Quik & Peter Gunz.), did even worse.

He made one more single called "Men of Steel," which included Ice Cube, B-Real of Cypress Hill, Peter Gunz, and KRS-One. His song was the best charted Shaq had ever since "Biological Didn't Bother" (Most likely due to the success of the other artists, minus Peter Gunz.) and it was a great success. However, the movie which featured this song, "Steel," was anything but that. Unfortunetly, the success of that song made Shaq create one more CD. This (last) CD was called "Respect". Thankfully, people didn't bother with it and he didn't get anything of worth at all. His guest stars were shit and even it's only single, "The Way It's Goin' Down" (Featuring Peter Gunz.), was treated like shit. In short, this CD was just pure shit.

Unfortunetly, he didn't learn from that and he wanted to create one last CD called "Shaquille O'Neal Presents His Superfreinds, Vol. 1." It was going to have many, many guest artists like Snoop Dogg, Nate Dogg, Dr. Dre, George Clinton, Talib Kweli, Mos Def, and even some musicians from Korn and 311, along with many others. Thankfully, due to 9/11, it was delayed to October 9, and then the day of never. However, one last single would arrive that would've appeared on that CD called "Connected," which featured WC and Nate Dogg. Thankfully, his last single ever would be just that... the last one without any merit at all. He also had soundtracks for "Kazaam" and the aforementioned "Steel," but we'll talk about those films downtown. In the end, not all of Shaq's songs were bad (The songs that had The Notorius B.I.G. {R.I.P.}, Ice Cube, B-Real of Cypress Hill, KRS-One, Coolio, and even Michael Jackson himself {Shaq did a song with him on Michael's H.I.S.tory album.} are great examples of good songs involving him.) but the end result is that his rapping career sucked. But hey, at least his movie career was better, right? Right?

Shaq playing the role of Wonder Woman. Yes, it's as creepy as it both looks and sounds. By the way, LET IT HAUNT YOUR NIGHTMARES!!! MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!

His Time As An Actor

Unfortunetly, his movie carrer was even worse than his rapping carrer, and that's honestly surprising. The first movie that he did was "Blue Chips," which is a drama film involving basketball. Shaq played as a center for the Western University Dolphins named Neon Boudreaux. He would get a Lexus for his role. Unfortunetly, the film was average and he was nominated for a Razzie for being the worst new (movie) star. Now when you nearly get a Razzie for a role which you're practically perfect to play for, you know that something's wrong with you for acting.

He'd get a second chance for being in a film. His second chance would, unfortunetly, be in "Kazaam." Shaq would play as a rapping Genie who grants wishes to a young white kid. His disguise would be being a tall guy named Neal Friedman. A highlight to his acting in "Kazaam" is when he says "Let's green eggs and ham it!" The Nostalgia Critic would soon review that movie to show people how horrible it was. You can watch it right here. Of course, if the Nostalgia Critic said that was a piece of horse shit, then so did everyone else. Infact, Scary Movie dissed the movie by saying that it was the worst horror film ever, in which it wasn't a horror film.

A third chance would be in the movie "Good Burger." He would play as himself wanting a good burger. He actually pretty good in this film. Then again, he did be in this film for over a minute or two. Coincidentally, the Nostalgia Critic accidentally found out about him being in the film and thus, it's the second film in a row that would be reviewed by the Nostalgia Critic that has Shaq in it. Once again, you can find his review right here. Once again, the film he would be in was shit and it unfortunetly made him doing yet another terrible movie.

That movie would be called "Steel." Steel was Shaq's attempt at acting like a superhero (Steel is a superhero from the DC Universe.). He plays the role of John Henry Irons, who would later on become Steel. Unfortunetly, his acting worsened from Kazaam, which many didn't know was possible. Infact, his acting was so bad in that movie that he nominated for another Razzie for being the worst actor of 1997. Strangly enough, the Nostalgia Critic found him yet again and reviewed one of Shaq's peices of shit yet again. For the third time in a row, you can find his crazy review right here (As well as hope to God that he doesn't find him ever again in a film.).

I honestly could go on all day long, but I can't, so I'll just tell you which films he appeared in. He appeared in "He Got Game", "A Great Day in Hip Hop", "The Wash" (Which is actually a good film for once.), "Freddy Got Fingered", "After the Sunset", "Scary Movie 4", "The House Bunny", and most recently "Jack & Jill" (he licked a slab of raw ham and yelled for 10 seconds). He also appeared in commercials and reality TV shows like "Shaq Vs.", but I honestly think it's safe to say that he'd be/he's better off doing just that from here on out, because it's clear that his acting is just shit.

Shaq sponsoring Baskin Robbin's special death rays.

Quotes

• "Let's green egg and ham it!"
• "Wang Ju, whatever you're name is. You tell Yao Ming, ching chong yang, wah, ah so."
• "It's just something to have on my resume for when I go back into reality. Someday I might have to put down a basketball and have a regular 9-to-5 like everybody else."
• "Kobe, tell me how my ass taste."
• "They tried to take over the fucking game."
• "I don't give a shit!"
• "Thanks, Margaret. (smiles)"
• "CAN YOU DIG IIIIIIIT???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
• "Music, please."
• "WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????!!!"

Trivia

Shaq's old teammate (Kobe Bryant) is loling at how he has more trophies than his old teammate in the end.

• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He once voice acted for Johnny Bravo. During that time, he used him because Johnny Bravo turns him into a good free-throw shooter. In the end, he made a free-throw shot all on his own and he didn't need him anymore.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Has a crazy play named after him called "Hack-A-Shaq."
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Is (Or rather was) a police officer for Phoenix (Specifically, the Maricopa region.).
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Has his own Twitter page. If you're curious as to what it's like, you can go and click right here.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He used to have a fued with Kobe Bryant back when he was traded to Miami. Thankfully, it ended, although Shaq still had one last diss towards him by having a stupid rap song that he did when the Boston Celtics beat the L.A. Lakers.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He gratuated from Louisiana University.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Also, he got divorced once. He also used that for a diss for the (stupid) Kobe Bryant rap song.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He knocked the Big Show on his ass on WWE Raw.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He's the only NBA player from the original arcade 1993 NBA Jam game to be in the 2010 NBA Jam game for the Nintendo Wii. Scratch that - apparently, he won't be in for the Boston Celtics... because he's a retro player for the Orlando Magic!! What a twist, huh?!
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• No one touches the Shaqtus Shaqti and gets away with it.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• He was once beaten up by Aaron Carter, until they were both flattened by the Batmobile.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• On Halloween, he's been shown as a big-brested transvestite woman. Okay, is there anything you want to tell us, Shaq?
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Shaq does not like to hear about him losing $35,000 at all.
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Shaq ended up being the main host for the 2nd Annual Cartoon Network Sports Award Show called "He's Got Game!" Already, his appearance makes this shit seem better than last year's show...
• He's a bad free-throw shooter.
• Did I also forget to mention that he's a bad free-throw shooter?