Vince Offer

This article is filed under Characters.

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Vince's Slap Chop will make you love his nuts.

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You're not gonna cry anymore.

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Wow, what a role reversal!

Vince Offer is an actor, director, and comedian turned television salesman dressed (almost) like a Scout. He is well known for his advertisements for his surprisingly successful products, Sham-Wow! , the Slap Chop , the Schticky , and the InVINCEable. He was also born in Israel.

About

Vince's earliest activities can be traced back to his service in the border patrol in the mid-to-late nineties. After a particularly nasty shootout involving illicit drug-trafficking and children in pajamas, Vince took to Florida and joined film school, where he spent several years directing independent snuff films. When his film group was finally busted, he fled, changing his name and identity, and undergoing extensive plastic surgery. It was in 2003 that he first delved into the world show-business.

He is now a pitchman, most widely known for pandering off the numerous qualities of the legendary ShamWow! towel line (which is made in Germany, which always makes good stuff) and the Slap Chop kitchen appliance.

He is no longer a threat to Billy Mays as having been arrested for beating up a prostitute in early 2009. However, on June 28th, 2009, Billy Mays sadly passed away at the age of fifty. It is speculated that Vince himself will have to take his place as front-runner pitchman, as the British Cillit Bang guy is nowhere to be found (presumably dead or hiding somewhere in Montana).

The motherfucker also participated in a song remix of his Slap Chop commercial with (DJ) Steve Porter. Making the music not only helped him make a comeback, but also get his revenge on Billy Mays for the hooker incident. For two months in 2004, he served as a military scout and gunman for the United States Army.

He recently starred in a new infomercial, advertising Eminem's new album, "Recovery". No really.

Later, he appeared in another new commercial for the "Schticky", and midway through it he references the hooker incident by showing him getting his mugshot taken.

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Hi, it's Vince with SlapBitch.

Quotes

• "Hi, it's Vince with ShamWow!"
• "Hi, it's Vince with the Slap Chop."
• "Hey, it's Vince with Eminem's new album 'Recovery'."
• "You're gonna be clappin' when you hear Eminem rappin'."
• "You're gonna love my nuts."
• "You'll be saying "wow" every time."
• "You followin' me cameraguy?"
• "Wow... Wet."
• "You know the Germans make good stuff."
• "This lasts ten years, this lasts a week!"
• "Stop having a boring tuna; stop having a boring life."
• "Forget about it."
• "You're gonna love this."
• "You gonna slap my nuts, one slap at a time."
• "Problem with that shedding pussy?"

Trivia

• You're gonna love his nuts.
• Is obsessed with Germany and other things from there for some reason.
• Was born in Israel, which means that he was a born Jew.
• Was arrested for beating up a hooker.
• Was once a Scientologist.
• He knows that sponges only last for a week, while his Sham-Wows last for over 10 years.
• He once tried to sing a song about how he hated Los Angeles. Of course, that was during his time as an actor/director and not an advertiser, so yeah.
• ChristianU2uber thinks he's better than Billy Mays.
• His pussy is slippery when wet.
• He appears to have a speech impediment. For example: You're gonna love the big Schticky becomes You're gonna love the Vig Schticky.
• He's created two sketch comedy movies, The Underground Comedy Movie and InAPPropriate Comedy. They're both bad.

Official Websites For His Stuff. (Also, Sources!)

• The Official Place To Get Your ShamWow!
• The Official Place To Get Your Slap Chop!
• The ShamWow commercial.
• The Slap Chop commercial.
• Shortened version of the Slap Chop commercial.
• Vince's music with (DJ) Steve Porter for the Slap Chop.