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Difference between revisions of "Queen"
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==¡Hola, Doctor Rabbit!== | ==¡Hola, Doctor Rabbit!== | ||
| − | Upon arrival at the airport, the Pope, Mercury, and Emerson discovered that Air Harvest had banned them from their planes without their knowing. However, since [[Corvax]] was running the automated ticket system, they were still allowed to receive tickets. [[ | + | Upon arrival at the airport, the Pope, Mercury, and Emerson discovered that Air Harvest had banned them from their planes without their knowing. However, since [[Corvax]] was running the automated ticket system, they were still allowed to receive tickets. [[Dr. Rabbit]] offered them a ride in his hot air balloon, as he was already going on a much-publicized world tour. |
==The Tour== | ==The Tour== | ||
Revision as of 19:31, 8 July 2012
Queen is an awesome band from the United Kingdom. Queen is known for a lot of awesome songs, such as "Bohemian Crapsody", "Another One Bites the Crust", "We Will Fuck You", "We Are the Grampians," "Unicycle Race", "Somebody to Move", and a bunch more.
History
The band formed on June 27th, 1972 while consisting of Freddie Mercury (lead vocals, piano, Hammond B3, conga drums, shaker), Keith Emerson (knife, synthesizers, vocals), Pope John Paul II (crucifix, guitars, vocals), and Doctor Rabbit (drums, transportation, vocals). Their first album, "Queer" was released in 1973. Due to its success, the follow-up, "Queer II: Electric Scootaloo" from 1974 brought them even further. However, the band would not be successful internationally until later that year when the album "A Day at the Opera and a Heart Attack at the Races at Night". They continued to be successful with the albums, "Booze of the World", "Jizz", "(You Just Lost) The Game", and beyond that.
The Early Years
Queen's first single, "Both Of My Feet Hurt", was written in a hotel room by Freddie Mercury in August of 1971. The single was rush-released and became a huge hit in Sweden, peaking at #16. Encouraged by this success, Mercury began plans for a tour, but realized that he sort of needed a band to do that sort of thing. He met Emerson while at a symphony: Mercury was being brought into the security office for public nudity at the same time as Emerson was forced in due to an attempt to stab the piano with a steak knife. However, due to rough "handling" by the security guard, Emerson and Mercury initiated a lawsuit against Securitas, Inc., and eventually won several million dollars apiece.
The Infamous Tour
The duo then continued their plans for a tour, settling upon Vatican City as a destination. Emerson was temporarily held back by security due to his having brought knives, but after making each TSA agent a delicious souffle, he was allowed to continue. During the flight to the Vatican on Air Harvest Flight 94, Mercury and Emerson broke into song for two minutes, and were restrained by a flight attendant, bound, and gagged for the remainder of the flight.
The Pope joins in
Much like that one plot to kill Pope John Whatever, the Vatican refuses to release any circumstances surrounding the arrival of John Paul II into the group.
¡Hola, Doctor Rabbit!
Upon arrival at the airport, the Pope, Mercury, and Emerson discovered that Air Harvest had banned them from their planes without their knowing. However, since Corvax was running the automated ticket system, they were still allowed to receive tickets. Dr. Rabbit offered them a ride in his hot air balloon, as he was already going on a much-publicized world tour.
The Tour
It was a gigantic flop. No one came to see it, even with Keith Emerson's repeated threats to stab into submission all non-attending ticketholders. (Incidentally, there [i]were[/i] no ticketholders.)
The Band Releases Some Records
The name "Queen" was chosen in late 1974 as a reflection of the group's creative spirit: religious heritage, flamboyancy, purple fur, and a love of knives. After striking a deal with Pops Racer to be their manager, they set up shop in Mama Luigi's Pasta Parlor on East 93rd Street in Brooklyn. There, they recorded their first stream of hits, including "The Twist", "I Want To Hold Your Hand", "Bohemian Crapsody", "Another One Bites the Crust" (a song dedicated to their place of residence), "Beast of Burden", and "Here It Goes Again". Due to every one of these records becoming top-ten hits, the band was able to buy out the Beatles and the Who. Emerson has been quoted as saying, "Even though the Beatles hadn't been active since 1970, we thought, 'yeah, they released a lot of good stuff that we could rip off if we had the money to do so'. So we bought them. Honestly, we just bought the Who to get that big concrete thing on the cover of 'Who's Next', 'cause it's fucking amazing."
Tension Within The Group
Due to Emerson's obsession with knives and (apparently) blocks of concrete, he was fired from the group in May of 1976. Replacing him on the synthesizer and vocals was Chuck E. Cheese, coming from his previous band, "The Rock-Afire Explosion". Cheese introduced the band to mind-melding drugs, particularly the Pope. Dr. Rabbit once said, "Yeah, they used to sit on the same chair all the time and talk about the whole world being 'a cool Chuck place'. I think it was really shaping the Pope's staunchly Catholic attitudes toward gay marriage, and even human sexuality as a whole. I know I jacked off to Chuck a few times, but that's just me."
Dr. Rabbit Gets the Fuck Out Of There
Rabbit left the group in late 1975 following the death of his "soul-mate", Carmen. He was replaced by kinghomer45. To commemorate the departure of one of the band's founding members, Queen released the album "A Day at the Opera and a Heart Attack at the Races at Night". The album went platinum within only three weeks of its release. Mercury was quoted as saying, "It went platinum? What the hell does that mean? What even [i]is[/i] platinum?"
A More Mature Turn
With Mercury's various fetishes, Cheese's fun-loving, bong-smoking personality, and the Pope's religious inclination came a new perspective to the group. King Homer had a tendency to be selfish about his compositions, calling them "mature arts". At one point, upon discovering that a tape of him playing piano had been overdubbed with Pope's guitar, he shouted at Mercury in rage, "And for the last time, Mercury, tell the band to stop stealing my arts!" However, Homer's [s]autistic[/s] artistic passion did result in profitable times for the band, with their next two albums, "Booze of the World" and "Jizz", going platinum. Said the Pope, "The hell does that mean?"
Shit Gets Real
Queen was undergoing hard times by the beginning of the 1980s. Their newest album, "(You Just Lost) The Game", flopped dramatically, partially because Mercury had the record label place a picture of his unshaven testicles on the front cover. Pope slowly began to drift away from the rest of the band in a drug-induced haze, and quit the band officially in December 1981. Mercury, Cheese, and Homer realized that they were in very real danger of being overshadowed by artists such as Boy George, Girl Madonna, Girl Cyndi Lauper, Boy Phil Collins, and Boy Rick Astley. The trio took a lengthy break in spring of 1982 to improve their respective skills: Mercury his vocals, Cheese his guitarsmanship, and Homer his songwriting and fiddling.
"The Forks"
When they rejoined each other in March 1983, they were better than ever. Their final non-live album, "The Forks", was perhaps their most innovative: Chuck Cheese brought his entire backup band along to provide harmony, Homer made the album art and did nothing else, and Freddie Mercury played guitar and keyboards. With these factors realized, and the band having some of the most skilled producers in the business, "The Forks" flopped harder than "Chinese Democracy". However, two songs from it, "Lady-O Gaga" and "I Want to Make Pee", did become minor hits.
The End
Queen officially broke up in the fall of 1984. Various reasons were cited: Cheese claimed that the singing was cartoonish and old-timey, Homer simply stated that "we might close the band", and Mercury called the other two members "twats of the highest order". Needless to say, the breakup was not pretty.
After Queen
Freddie Mercury eventually became extremely obese, and floated into space today. He is now ranked as the smallest planet in the solar system.
Chuck E. Cheese started a chain of restaurants bearing his namesake after the breakup. Although he has gotten repeated makeovers, he still chases his one dream: to make the whole world "a cool Chuck place".
Kinghomer45 eventually became a hentai artist. His mature arts have appeared in over 225 different publications, with [u]Fairly OddParents Monthly[/u] being the most frequent recipient.
The Pope eventually passed away of exposure to extreme Catholicism.
Dr. Rabbit now lives in South America with Carmen, his soul mate.
Keith Emerson still stabs things and collects ornamental concrete sculptures to this day.
