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Luigi, NOOOOOO!!!

Twilight is a totally kawaii story about vampires and love and babies and flowers and puppies/a wave of evil swallowing women whole (barely any surviving in the process) dooming them to be vampire-crazed virgins for ever. Hitler's and Stalin's armies will work together soon to destroy this evil called Twilight. Below is a newspaper article that describes the series in detail:

"Vampires have come a long way actually being vampires. They used to be known as horrible, blood-sucking monsters that were shown in gruesome movies that gave kids nightmares for years, which, according to the original myths of vampires, are what vampires are. After being completely forgotten by everyone except goth-enthusiasts, their image has now been whored out to appeal to today's "kawaii" audience. They're average people, just like you and me! I mean, sure, they sleep in coffins (oh wait, no they don't), and they die in sunlight (oh wait, no they don't), and they suck blood (oh they?), but that doesn't mean we still can't fall in love with them. Having ditched any sense of originality, many of today's authors have decided to cater to the audience by using vampires and long-winded dialogue to appeal to the kawaii-seeking audience in an attempt for quick cash.

By far the most popular vampire story right now is that of Mary Sue and Gary Stu in the fanfiction vampire secks XD by 14 year old Stephanie Meyers. vampire secks XD is about Mary, a typical girl just like you and me who goes shopping and likes clothes and likes boys and wears make up and junk so you should like totally be able to relate, who unexpectedly falls down a plot hole when she sits next to a totally kawaii vampire named Gary in biology class and instantly and inexplicably falls in love with him; however, Gary is not the stereotypical vampire. Unlike most fantasy characters, Gary is unique, in that he has no character whatsoever, and is an absolute blank slate of emotions, completely incapable of self-thought, wanting nothing more than to cater to the every whim of a 13-year-old girl. Because of this, every woman across America wants him as their sex slave, because that's what true love is all about.

'vampire secks XD is so kawaii and awsum XD,' 13-year-old-girl Natalia Vergara said. "i like how setaphine describes ohw hot gayr is, cuz now i just kep reading cuz i wanna see if bela has sex with him ^_^ i wish he ewas my boyfrien,d cuz she totaly doesnt deserve him -_-. also, i think there was somethin gabout vamopires in ther, but i dont rememeber cuz gari's to kawaii :3'

Following in the mediocre critical reception of the first novel, but funded by the thousands of dollars of horny schoolgirls, Meyers wrote three more fanfictions for the series ending with maraige coms before secks -_- which went over the heads of everyone except the menstruating females.

Although Meyers wrote the series for 13-year-old-girls, many people, especially closet-case women who secretly wish that they could run away from their deadbeat husbands and go make love with the sweet and sensitive boys of their impossible dreams, share the same lust for the kawaii vampires :3 series.

'Being completely unexposed to the rest of the world as I have lived in a failed reality brought forth by my life's harsh disappointments, therefore unable to grasp any literary works other than those that I caught my 13-year-old daughter masturbating to, I found the kawaii vampires :3 series to be very creative. The characters may have been shelled, stereotypical, and without personality, but this new concept of 'vampires', hot boys who cater to your every whim in exchange for a few gallons of blood a day, felt very fresh and new to me. I also found it very romantic to think of having a man to love me even if I was as cloudy-headed as a New Year drunk due to the amount of blood loss. It made me think back to the days when I could let boys grab my breasts, and for them not to caress rusty screws jingling within,' Spanish River parent Marjory Dobbin said. 'I think that this book should be the most popular thing ever, because being with someone forever is more beautiful than anything I can ever imagine. Now if you'll excuse me, my cab is arriving, and if my husband happens to see even a glimpse of it, he'll beat me to a bloody pulp for trying to escape.'

The Nostalgia Critic will now become the main star for the third Twilight movie. Unfortunately for us, that never happened. BOOOOOOOO!!!


Along with the series, the first vampire secks XD movie debuts November 21, 2008, three weeks earlier than originally planned. I, along with my gal-pals, will be going to the midnight premiere, bringing our Gary Stu Vibrators®."


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  • Did you know after reading/watching Twilight you will dye your hair black/a dark color?
  • Did you know the actor who played Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) actually hated Twilight? It's true. He said the book was badly written, unoriginal, and had hints of pedophilia in it. Of course, several fans chased him down and tried to kill him after what he said. God bless you Robert Pattinson...
  • This Chewiki user had a Language Arts teacher who was a Twilight fantard and another Language Arts teacher who actually edited some of the Twilight books.
  • On November 21, 2999, we will celebrate the anniversary of Twilight. A new, updated revision of the book will be released with a 50-page introduction discussing the history of California, a timeline of Darkwing Duck, God's racism and disdain for women, proof that God exists, Olmec discussing about Edward's lost vampire teeth, and Adolf Hitler's underwear.
  • If any guy reads this book, he will instantly turn into a middle-aged single mom.
  • There is a pony named after Twilight, but ponies are for little girls and Twilight is a MATURE ADULT FICTION NOVEL WITH REAL DRAMA AND REAL CHARACTERS